So, I realize you all may have been a bit disappointed that I didn't write anything on the 20th or 22nd. Honestly, I have worked to put this out of my mind. It is a constant reminder and it is painful. I am glad that we were able to celebrate Claire's 7th birthday. It was an intimate gathering with me, Samantha, Samantha's parents, and the other kids. I had a couple of times that I relived that experience in my mind. It has the same potency now as it did then. Because of that, I strive to not dwell on those feelings. It also is difficult to explain to those who have not lost a spouse because we didn't leave on bad terms. I have met my fair share of people who have divorced their spouse and there is real pain and hurt that goes along with that parting because it is done on bad terms where the trust between husband and wife has been violated to the core. It is different when a spouse leaves and you are on good terms. In a way it is like a part of you dies with them. So, although I am remarried and on the surface it may appear like I have "moved on" in reality there is a part of me still sitting on the floor of the ICU in disbelief that Jan is gone. In a way I feel that the "old Rob" is the one on the floor of the ICU and the "new Rob" is the one that emerged from that moment. Jan was married to me but I honestly feel different now since I have gone through everything and I wonder what our future conversations will be like. Samantha went through her own challenge with the passing of her husband and it is through that grief that we have connected. Even though Jan and Samantha have known me during different parts of my life I am amazed at how each of them genuinely accepts me for who I am and strives to help me be my best. I am eternally grateful for them both. Love truly does heal all wounds.
We traveled down to Saint George, UT for Christmas to get out of the snow. We traveled down during heavy winds. Most were an indirect headwind which had me constantly correcting the van as I drove. I was glad to finally arrive. We rented an Airbnb and had a good bonding moment with all the kids. We played games and really had a good time. Hayes and I had a good time too. He really likes me and it just makes me smile when I see that little guy running up to me with his hands in the air for me to pick him up. We got a chance to visit with both Emma and Alex and it was so good to see them even if it was virtually.
We traveled back today. After unloading the car, getting kids fed, getting Claire off to bed, and finally able to sit and write this blog I feel like I am able to breathe again. I have to finish up an online Harvard course I started a couple of weeks ago. I need to finish it this next week. It is a recap of my stats class I took in college. I am prepping for the first week at Purdue and suffice it to say there is a lot of prep work before the classes even begin. Anyway - this next week = me studying.
So, we have a week before the new year. It is crazy to think it will be 2022. That seems like a normal phrase to say before the beginning of every new year.
Until Later -
