31 December 2021 (7 years, 11 days after The Day)

 So today I took Madilyn and Ammon to see Spiderman - No Way Home.  We left about an hour early due to the snow and bad road conditions.  We got there early.  It was in one of these new theaters with seats that are like recliners.  It was a good show.  There were some scenes that triggered some tough memories - in that there is a scene when someone dies and it was very hard to watch.  After the movie we stopped by the UPS store to return some stuff I got on Amazon that didn't work but they had already closed for the day.  We then went by the grocery store and picked up some food for dinner.  I'm sure all the kids will be seeing in the new year.  I am going to be finishing up my course online prior to orientation on Monday so yay for me.

Speaking of the course online.  I am very disappointed.  Remember back in the 80s when there were slide projectors that the teacher would use that would show a picture of a dinosaur or something and then the teacher would play the tape that went with the slide or they just used it as a lecture point?  Well - that is what this course is like.  Instead of using modern technology they throw up formulas that you really need someone to walk you through to ensure you get it but they gloss over why the formula is setup the way it is.  It also doesn't help that the dialog for the formulas sounds like it is coming from this guy.

When the dust settles I find myself supplementing the instruction with YouTube videos from the Organic Chemistry Tutor.  They are very good and an A+ to this guy to put these together.  So far, the formula is:

course content + YouTube = Cognition

So - I am off to study.

  

26 December 2021 (7 years, 6 days after The Day)

 So, I realize you all may have been a bit disappointed that I didn't write anything on the 20th or 22nd.  Honestly, I have worked to put this out of my mind.  It is a constant reminder and it is painful.  I am glad that we were able to celebrate Claire's 7th birthday.  It was an intimate gathering with me, Samantha, Samantha's parents, and the other kids.  I had a couple of times that I relived that experience in my mind.  It has the same potency now as it did then.  Because of that, I strive to not dwell on those feelings.  It also is difficult to explain to those who have not lost a spouse because we didn't leave on bad terms.  I have met my fair share of people who have divorced their spouse and there is real pain and hurt that goes along with that parting because it is done on bad terms where the trust between husband and wife has been violated to the core.  It is different when a spouse leaves and you are on good terms. In a way it is like a part of you dies with them.  So, although I am remarried and on the surface it may appear like I have "moved on" in reality there is a part of me still sitting on the floor of the ICU in disbelief that Jan is gone.  In a way I feel that the "old Rob" is the one on the floor of the ICU and the "new Rob" is the one that emerged from that moment.  Jan was married to me but I honestly feel different now since I have gone through everything and I wonder what our future conversations will be like.  Samantha went through her own challenge with the passing of her husband and it is through that grief that we have connected.  Even though Jan and Samantha have known me during different parts of my life I am amazed at how each of them genuinely accepts me for who I am and strives to help me be my best.  I am eternally grateful for them both.  Love truly does heal all wounds.

We traveled down to Saint George, UT for Christmas to get out of the snow.  We traveled down during heavy winds.  Most were an indirect headwind which had me constantly correcting the van as I drove.  I was glad to finally arrive.  We rented an Airbnb and had a good bonding moment with all the kids.  We played games and really had a good time.  Hayes and I had a good time too.  He really likes me and it just makes me smile when I see that little guy running up to me with his hands in the air for me to pick him up.  We got a chance to visit with both Emma and Alex and it was so good to see them even if it was virtually.

We traveled back today.  After unloading the car, getting kids fed, getting Claire off to bed, and finally able to sit and write this blog I feel like I am able to breathe again.  I have to finish up an online Harvard course I started a couple of weeks ago.  I need to finish it this next week.  It is a recap of my stats class I took in college.  I am prepping for the first week at Purdue and suffice it to say there is a lot of prep work before the classes even begin.  Anyway - this next week = me studying.

So, we have a week before the new year.  It is crazy to think it will be 2022.  That seems like a normal phrase to say before the beginning of every new year.

Until Later - 

1 December 2021 (6 years, 11 months, 12 days after The Day)

Today was somewhat of a normal and repetitive day.  Last night I took a couple of Tylenol PM and was out.  This morning I struggled to wake up.  I was able to get some rest but not waking up is so weird for me.  I am such an early bird that me having to force myself out of bed was odd.  It took a solid hour for me to feel like I could function.  I am also battling an illness so that doesn't help.  

I am a bit intimidated by my classmates.  All of them have serious education or serious business background.  I am learning a bit about drive from Lance Armstrong.  He said something once that always resonated with me.  He said that when he raced he raced against himself.  I have always thought that self improvement is all that matters when learning or doing anything.  Lance just said it in a way that resonated with me.

In July we got Ammon a typewriter.  He is fascinated with them.  For me, they remind me of high school projects where I had to type out some essay and not make any mistakes.  For him it is just a neat thing.  Anyway - this typewriter we got him broke and we got online looking for another used one.  Samantha found one and we were able to get it for a reasonable price.  It is nearly the same model as the one that broke. It is funny how he has taken to that silly thing.  I recall being fascinated by old technology my grandparents had.  They had a hand crank record player which I was always fascinated by, but never heard it play.

It is funny how memories work.  I can go all day without thinking of something but a smell, taste, sound, touch, or sight of something can take you back like you were just there.  If I think about it I can remember the smell the barn at my grandparents.  It is funny how memories like that pack so much emotion.  The smell of baking bread makes me remember my grandmother.  While I can remember all these things it seems my memories of Jan fade.  I think that is what is painful.  The pain isn't with the fact that you forgot it is with the fact that you know you forgot. I enjoy hearing stories that people share of Jan.  It helps keep some of those memories alive.

We had a coffee table growing up that was wooden and would creek if pushed on.  I recall the sound of my bike tires on the pavement as I was riding as a kid.  Memories are weird... when one is triggered it brings with it a host of other memories.  This can be both good and bad.

Well - I'm off to bed.  Until later -