30 June 2015 (192 days after The Day)

Today was another day where feeling positive leads to feeling guilty.  What is that about?  When my wife passed I had no ill feelings toward her and she to me.  Our marriage was good.  With that as a background - when she died she left me having no desire to leave.  I am left in a void that seems to be absent of what is important.  6 months have passed and I think... What would I want Jan to do if we could switch places?  I would want her to be happy.  I would want her to not be sad.  I would want her to laugh again.  I would want her to have joy.  I think about that and then second-guess how I feel about me.  I HATE being in this funk.  I hate trudging through is vast marshland as far as the eye can see.  I want to run - flee from it.  There is an old saying about a railroad that I have included below quoted by Gordon B. Hinkley. 

Life is like an old time rail journey–delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.

I think the concept of life is to not only thank the Lord for letting you have the ride... but to enjoy the ride.  While the destination is what we are aiming for the journey is the important part.  The journey is what prepares us for the destination.  It hones us, purifies us, shapes us, and perfects us to return to live with God again.  While I am trying to run out of this marshland - I am also trying to embrace it.  To love it.  To learn everything I can from it.  What an experience and while I believe this has shaken me I also believe it is just a larger rock in the tumbler called life that we are all in.  To emerge polished must endure a lot of grit.

29 June 2015 (191 days after The Day)

Yesterday was a tough day.  I am both happy and sad.  I am both excited and mournful.  I feel my life is starting to make a turn for healing and newness and at the same time I don't want to change at all.  I just am sad.

Ammon went to bed sick and Claire is going through a growth spurt.  Time seems to move on.  It is already 6 months past. - just unbelievable.

28 June 2015 (190 days after The Day)

So yesterday was an interesting day.  Church and hanging out with the family.  Church was very difficult for me.  I don't know why.  It just was.  Sometimes I feel like I should be doing more... doing more but not able to become more... or maybe becoming more just very slowly.  This metamorphosis I feel I am going through is not a quick process.  I want it to be quick.  I want to just wave a magic wand and poof - everything is better.  Not the case.  It is most difficult work.  Difficult work that requires all of your attention- oh - and by the way - you still need to function in society.  I admire anyone who has gone through this or some other life-changing moment.

27 June 2015 (189 days after The Day)

I am a day late in this post but perhaps the contents will explain why.

Little-Bit our cat of 15 years died around 6:15 am on the 27 June.  My kids were just crushed.  We took her get cremated and that was a tough tough experience.  To just hand over your pet in a box to a stranger.  She is a tiny cat weighing about 4 pounds. 

We started out cleaning our living room/dining room.  After many hours we emerged successful.  After making lunch and mowing the lawn we settled in for the evening.  Everyone is exhausted both physically and mentally.  We miss our sweet kitty and the loss of this member of our family has been yet another blow to my kids this year.  This "new normal" will be different for sure.

26 June 2015 (188 days after The Day)

Another day of sickness... Everyone is fighting it.... And our cat looks to not make it through the night.  We are going to the vet tomorrow.  I think it may be the end.

25 June 2015 (187 days after The Day)

Well - I'm sick.  How wonderful.  Claire is battling gas pains (I think) and cried herself to sleep after hours of crying.  I feel so bad for her.  I hope she can sleep tonight.  I received a call from the vet saying someone found our cat.  It ended up being a neighbor a couple of doors down.  This cat is about 17 years old and will probably not live much longer.  We got her home and she drank some water stayed nearly motionless on a towel we put on the floor for her.  It has been a few hours and the cat is starting to move around now and act somewhat normal.  I think we are near the end with this cat and my kids are just distraught.  So far grandma and Ammon have weathered this storm.  I hope they stay healthy.

24 June 2015 (186 days after The Day)

I smiled today.  A genuine happy smile.  It was nice.  I don't like that life moves on and I am trying to come to grips with what that means.  Claire, Madilyn, and Emma are all sick.  I'm ready for them to be better.  I hope tonight is a good night for them.