31 October 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 12 days after The Day)

Happy Halloween.

I went to bed thinking of my last post about my pets and realized it may be worth sharing an experience I had a few months back.  The house was crazy busy.  People were coming and going.  Kids banging stuff in the kitchen.  I was in my office and saw my wife walk by.  I was at a stopping point so I followed her into the bedroom.  She turned a corner into our bathroom and I followed her there only to find myself alone.  I thought she was maybe in the closet digging for something but she wasn't.  I looked in the the shower and she was not there either.  She up and vanished before me.  There is no way back to the house except by passing me so it was really odd.  I walked into the kitchen befuddled and found her sitting at the island in the kitchen using her laptop.  I was thoroughly confused.  I asked her if she was just in the bedroom and she said no.  I related this story to her and asked her "who did I just follow into the bedroom??" she said "well- I guess you followed Jan".  I know this may give you a "spooky" feeling but for me I just smiled.  I smiled because I have moved 1200 miles away from the home Jan and I had together and to know she has been in our home here brings me comfort.  Samantha then related that at times she will walk past the front room where the piano is.  She has said on multiple occasions she has seen a woman standing or sitting by the piano.  Again - you may think this is spooky but for me I just smiled.  I am a firm believer that our family stays close by and stories like this bring me comfort.

My grandmother related a story when she was in her 70's.  She lived in an older part of Houston where crime was prevalent.  She said she was sound asleep when her husband sat by her bed, put his hand on her hip gently woke her and said "Oneda - you need to get up".  She woke up - her husband who passed away over 30 years before was not there and the apartment was quiet.  It was just a dream.  She got up and went into the living room to see her front door ajar.  She shut and locked the door.  The next day she went outside to see boot impressions in the flowerbed under the living room window.  I think on this and again - just smile that my grandfather was watching out for his wife and never really left her - 30 years later after many moves he was still there for her.  When my grandmother told the story she just smiled when she reflected on her husband being there for her.  I get it.

Well- tonight my kids are going trick-or-treating.  Shouldn't there be an age limit to this??  Some kids just show up with a pillowcase and no costume.  I open the door and am like... er... what are you?  When Jan and I lived in Houston there was a guy with a chainsaw (no chain) and the full makeup and outfit to boot that would strike fear in adults (not to mention kids).  He would slowly walk around and randomly start up the chainsaw and raise it above his head.  This led to many kids just going to a different neighborhood.  Many parents had to talk to this guy and he eventually got the message.  So far in my new neighborhood I rarely get kids that stop by at all which means I am left with a bucket of candy.  That is the last thing my kids need... More sugar.  I wonder if my house is just "creepy" or something.  I recall as a kid there were houses we avoided.  One guy on our block in Houston was "re-roofing" his house the entire time we lived there (over 30 yrs).  His house was two steps away from looking abandoned and needless to say not many kids stopped by.  We lived across the street from Bellaire High School and walking home every day I would pass his house and wondered who lived there.  It reminded me of the house that Boo Radley from the book To Kill a Mockingbird lived in.  

Until later -

         

30 October 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 11 days after The Day)

So today was "just another day".  I had an interesting experience earlier today.  I walked into my bedroom and could have sworn that I saw my black cat sleeping on some freshly laundered and folded clothes (typical).  The challenge with this is my cat passed away shortly after Jan died.  With Penny's death so recent I am thinking about all the pets I have had over the years.  I grew up with Great Danes at my dad's home and a mutt (small dog) at my mom's home.  I wonder if our pets hang out with us after they die.  When my little black cat died I was in the house but not by her.  I knew she was not well and it was a matter of time (hours or days) before she passed.  I was writing in this blog (I believe) and I swore I saw my cat walk toward me from the other side of the house in my peripheral vision.  The cat was walking without any issue so I knew something was off.  I blinked and the cat was gone.  I jumped up and went to where I saw my cat walk from and found her dead.  (The post from that time was 27 June 2015 (189 days after The Day))  From that moment I have thought our pets perhaps hang out for a while.  Seeing my cat today made me laugh that even in the after-life my cat is laying on clothes that are clean.  In a way I felt like our pets still stay around.  I have felt that way about Jan from time to time and that brings me comfort that she is experiencing our kids growing up.  I still get frustrated that I have to teach my kids to drive.  :-|

Anyway - So while it is on the eve of Halloween and I didn't intend to share a "ghost story", I felt this one was sweet and made me smile.


    

29 October 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 10 days after The Day)

So today is getting back into the swing of things for me.  I took off last week and went on vacation.  Samantha and I saved up and went on a cruise.  I have never been on a cruise before so this was new to me.  If you have the opportunity to go I suggest you do.  I thought it was great.  My phone didn't work while I was at sea which meant I couldn't work and was able to relax.  I came back to work and had over 250 emails to wade through.  While it was good to get away it seems that life seems to through the tough life trials at the kids when we are away.  One day after we left our little dachshund named Penny had two discs in her spine go awry which left her paralyzed and unable to control her bladder and bowels.  When Samantha and I touched land and connected our phones we were able to help my mom (who was watching everyone while we were on vacation) coordinate the events of that day.  After much discussion we decided to put her down.  It was so tough on everyone.  I think dogs do a good job at just loving you the way you are.  I think that is why it hurts so bad when they die.  Penny was a very sweet dog.  We all miss her and the reminders of her remind me of Jan's passing.  All the little things make us sad all over again... With Jan it was her purse, clothes, phone, food she liked in the fridge/pantry, etc.  With Penny it is her collar, her food and water bowl, her container of food, and her dog bed.  

     
For me recently I have struggled remembering my life when Jan was alive.  In a way I have forgotten.  I have buried my old self and started anew.  While this has allowed me to function at times I reflect on things I should remember but just have a difficult time doing.

I was talking with Ammon this morning about life trials.  Sometimes life throws lots of curve balls at you and I am a believer that God helps to mold you and make you better.  The process is messy and painful but in the end you can emerge better than before the trial.  During that discussion I reflected on the painful things I have endured in my life and I think each has made me better.  I have learned to love more, to appreciate more, to be a better parent, to be driven, to persevere and be tenacious in accomplishing my goals.  I feel I learned more in talking to Ammon than I did when others talk to me.  I suppose I realized the old saying of "you teach once you learn twice".

So - my mom is flying back to Houston tomorrow.  It will be sad to see her go home since I only got to visit with her for a short time before and after our trip.  I'm so thankful that she was able to spend time with the kiddos.  I know she enjoys visiting with the kids even though it is a bit chaotic with all the kids and their schedules.

Well - I'm hoping my memories of Jan don't fade further... I feel as if I really just don't remember much.  Is that a blessing?  Sometimes I say yes... sometimes I say no.  Today - I say no.  

Until later - 

29 July 2018 (3 years, 7 months, 10 days after The Day)

Today was just a normal day in many ways.  There was nothing out of the normal.  We woke up, ate breakfast, went to church, came home, and spent time together as a family.  I have noticed and even written in past blog entries that I am invigorated by writing and have committed to do this more often.  I suppose as I reflect on this I think my "brain dump" moments do have quite a healing effect upon me.  I was reflecting on Jan the other day.  As I reflected I realized that I had forgotten a lot.  I don't know why and I was severely troubled by this.  I have worked with my kiddos as they struggle to remember even the little things but for me to forget is really troublesome.  I knew Jan for many years before we were married and we were married for 15.  I wonder how someone can forget things. I had a couple of take-aways from this mental exercise.

1. There was a comment made by someone (I can't remember who- and the irony of that statement in relation to the others below is sad but a little comical) that when someone dies the stories they tell die with them.  The stories that they would share about you or about them or about situations in life - die. 
2. I realize that I am forgetting things.  There are sad stories with someone who's parent suffers from Alzheimer's disease where they forget their own children and are quite content living in a state of regressed memories.  I know that I have forgotten things and I think that is what is so unsettling.  I am not content.  I just can't remember certain things about Jan and it worried me to the point where I spoke with my mom and wife about it.  Alzheimer's disease is not common in my family but this event sure had me researching if it was and helping me to self-diagnose what I could be experiencing!

So - what does this mean?  Who knows.  I know that I know.  That is all I know.  On one hand I can recall like yesterday interacting with Jan and doing normal life routines.  On the other hand it seems like a dream.  I suppose that is what has me sad.

I reluctantly went to the gym the other day when I was feeling blue.  I was impressed with how quickly I rebounded from these sad feelings.  I don't enjoy the gym.  I have lost weight and am living healthier but I don't look at the gym as a "happy place".  So, for me to experience the immediate change in my mood after going there was quite profound.  I learned I have a resource when I feel this way.

Well - that is it for now.  

07 April 2018 (3 years, 3 months, 19 days after The Day)

Today started like any other day.  Claire was awake and calling for someone to get her.  I got up and got her fed and settled.  My phone buzzed with a text from a fellow who owns an orchard nearby.  I had corresponded with him about getting some wood in exchange for some BBQ.  I spent the last weekend smoking about 80 lbs of meat.

That BBQ run ended up being the following:

brisket (1)
pork shoulder (4)
chickens (2)
pork ribs (5)
pork rib roast (1)


It turned out nicely but I had also used nearly all my wood to do this.  I was on the lookout for any fruit wood I could get my hands on.  The week before I left a note on this fellow's home and he called me back.  Anyway, he said he was available both today and next Saturday for me to stop by and get some wood so I called up my father-in-law to schedule a time to borrow his pickup and chainsaw.  By the time all this transpired Samantha was up and moving.  I took Madilyn and Ammon with me to get this wood.  We spent a few hours cutting the wood and loading it into the truck (long bed F150 Ford).  The cherry tree we took was substantial in size.  We only took a single limb but it filled the entire bed of the truck.  It started to rain towards the end of our time and by the time we got back to the house we were soaked to the bone.  I got cleaned up and took a minute to eat some lunch.

I noticed a txt from one of Jan's friends about her commonwealth school she founded.  Jan's friend created a separate domain name.  It was bitter-sweet.  It enables her to move forward with the school and for me to do something with the website that won't hinder the progress the school is making.

I feel like time has moved on.  I feel at times that Jan is near.  It is comforting to believe that she is aware of how the kids are and our current living environment.  Things seem to be so different from our lives back in Arlington.  In December I decided to change my health.  This has been a long-time brewing so it finally took shape in me making changes in my life directly after Christmas.  I altered my diet (permanently) and introduced activity into my life.  I have dropped about 25 lbs.  That sounds like a lot but I have a lot to lose so this is just a step in the right direction for me.

We took some family photos as well and I am just shocked at how the kids have grown.  It seems as if it is overnight.

Here is one of the entire family 

I realize that me writing in this blog is healing.  It is healing for me to just get it down somewhere.  Sometimes life moves at such a pace that we forget the little things.

The older boys and Emma Jean are on a high school choir tour that visited Disney Land.  They will come back tomorrow afternoon.  I'm sure they all will be super tired by the time they return.  Samantha and I have spent some time with the younger kids while the older ones are out.  It has been good.  I feel at times there isn't enough of us to go around to all the kids.  They have a lot of patience with us!

Well - I'll write more later - for now - off to the gym.  :-|

21 December 2017 (3 Years 1 day after The Day)

Yesterday was like any other day.  I got up, started working, and then took my daughter to school.  I was getting a lot accomplished too at work.  I felt like I was ticking things off the list so to speak.  Jan's sister's oldest daughter stopped by with her husband and oldest daughter.  It was good to visit with them for a minute.  I haven't seen them in at least a year.  After they left I returned to work and worked into the night.  Perhaps it was me keeping busy that helped me move forward on such an anniversary.  Samantha baked a cake and I called grandma on FaceTime so we could all celebrate together.  Claire blew out the candles herself.   She has a sweet sense of humor.  She will grab Samantha's reading glasses and put them on.. sometimes they are on correctly... sometimes not.  

I had an opportunity to go Christmas shopping last night after dinner.  I think this is what started the memories.  I reflected on friends and family who had reached out to me earlier telling me they were thinking of me.  At the time I just dismissed the comments because I didn't want to relive the hellish memories I had so neatly packed away or perhaps those that I felt I had already processed.  But, alas, there they were... staring me in the face as I went Christmas shopping.  I recall how I suck at shopping for others.  I feel like a kid during a pop quiz.  My mind generally goes blank.  I find myself reliving what Ralph in The Christmas Story did when he spoke to Santa.

As I wondered from store to store I was reminded on how Jan would have laughed at some of the items on the shelves.  We both would have had such a good laugh.  I immediately felt both joy and intense sadness.  It is such a paradox.  I have such love and admiration for Samantha.  She has taken in 4 kids and treated them as her own.  She loves me for who I am ... both the good and the bad.  She really is a wonder woman.  She and Jan are similar in that they accepted me for who I am and perhaps that is the challenge.  I never stopped loving Jan.  I felt she was ripped from my life and yet I love Samantha too.  Sometimes I feel guilty for moving forward and yet I know that is silly because my kids need a mother figure.  This is true especially for Claire who has stepped into life without any knowledge of anything being amiss.  So I live in this environment that seems to contradict itself at times yet it is right.  Right to me anyway.  I gathered my purchases and headed home.  I filled up with gas and as I pulled into the driveway I was reminded that the low pressure tire sensor was lit and I needed to attend to that.  I did and came back into the house.  Snow had started falling outside.  Claire was asleep and Ammon was super tired.  Perhaps it was all we did that week.  Yesterday we took the kids on the train up to SLC where we went through Temple Square.  We had as much fun as you can have with a toddler who had her moments.  Anyway - I put Ammon to bed and I think that is when it hit me.  I just started reliving what was going on 3 years ago.  I realized that 3 years ago I was waiting for a doctor to tell me what was going on... why it was taking so long?  I relived the memory of the funeral when the viewing room was packed with well wishers... I looked over and three feet from the casket was Ammon just staring at the closed casket.  Not crying... just standing there staring at it in disbelief.  It is so difficult to process those memories that sometimes I still break down and cry.  Why is it that memories have the ability to cut right to the heart sometimes?  For me I put on the movie RED 2 to try to take my mind off of things.  I got cleaned up for the evening and Samantha was so comforting to me.  She just hugged me as I wept.  I think it is perhaps that she too is a widow and understand loss.  Sometimes this life can be so tough.  

I am so very thankful for Samantha and my life now.  It is weird to think of all the changes that have occurred in just 3 years.  I feel like a different person.  I have stepchildren now and I love them even though I suck at being a stepfather.  I have a different life.  It is good.  It is very good.  It is just different and I suppose that difference is what highlights the memories so clearly.

So - as I start this day with a tear stained face I embrace all the memories (both good and bad) that make me who I am.  I think for us all character building is a painful process.  I'm sure you can look back on your own memories and see that even the tough ones are so vital in making you who you are today and so it is with me.  

29 August 2017 (2 yrs 253 days after The Day)

So - Hurricane Harvey has dumped trillions of gallons of water on Houston.  Many families have had their homes flooded.  This flooding in Houston is beyond any flooding ever seen in Houston.  Places that have never flooded have water in them.  I used to watch events similar to this and feel so bad for the people who had their lives turned upside down.  I felt bad but then would say well - this is so far away ... what could I do??  Then I would turn the channel and move on.

Well - with hurricane Harvey this was not possible for me to do.  I am from Houston.  I have seen flooding.  I have experienced driving in high water and have lost a vehicle to my pride in believing I could drive in high water.  My mom and sisters live there.  My mom and one sister had their home flooded and for some reason this event is a punch in the gut for me.  In a very real way it has thrust me back to when Jan died and my life was upside down.  Here it is my mom and sister have lost their home and two vehicles.  In a single night a family of five went from having comforts of this world to being homeless.  Their kids stripped of everything normal.  While I didn't experience losing a home with Jan I did experience the same feeling of the continued thinking of "48 hours ago everything was normal".  I did experience the pain of my kids having such pain.  This time I am just an observer... it is so painful.  I don't know another way to describe it.  In a way I am reliving the pain.  I just want to fix all the flooding and issues in Houston.  I wish I could just wave a magic wand and fix it all.... to put things back to normal.  I know God works in mysterious ways and that all these painful events are for our benefit but still.  It is painful.

My sister is keeping a sense of humor in all of this and that is good.  I just have to remember to take my own advice when all of this happened - just take 1 breath, 1 minute, 1 hour, 1 day at a time.  Think about what you have control over and not what you don't.  That simple advice helped me function in life after Jan died.

So - donate to the red cross or other charity that is helping those in Houston who have lost so much.  I believe it will be a while before Houstonians are back to normalcy.