31 October 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 12 days after The Day)

Happy Halloween.

I went to bed thinking of my last post about my pets and realized it may be worth sharing an experience I had a few months back.  The house was crazy busy.  People were coming and going.  Kids banging stuff in the kitchen.  I was in my office and saw my wife walk by.  I was at a stopping point so I followed her into the bedroom.  She turned a corner into our bathroom and I followed her there only to find myself alone.  I thought she was maybe in the closet digging for something but she wasn't.  I looked in the the shower and she was not there either.  She up and vanished before me.  There is no way back to the house except by passing me so it was really odd.  I walked into the kitchen befuddled and found her sitting at the island in the kitchen using her laptop.  I was thoroughly confused.  I asked her if she was just in the bedroom and she said no.  I related this story to her and asked her "who did I just follow into the bedroom??" she said "well- I guess you followed Jan".  I know this may give you a "spooky" feeling but for me I just smiled.  I smiled because I have moved 1200 miles away from the home Jan and I had together and to know she has been in our home here brings me comfort.  Samantha then related that at times she will walk past the front room where the piano is.  She has said on multiple occasions she has seen a woman standing or sitting by the piano.  Again - you may think this is spooky but for me I just smiled.  I am a firm believer that our family stays close by and stories like this bring me comfort.

My grandmother related a story when she was in her 70's.  She lived in an older part of Houston where crime was prevalent.  She said she was sound asleep when her husband sat by her bed, put his hand on her hip gently woke her and said "Oneda - you need to get up".  She woke up - her husband who passed away over 30 years before was not there and the apartment was quiet.  It was just a dream.  She got up and went into the living room to see her front door ajar.  She shut and locked the door.  The next day she went outside to see boot impressions in the flowerbed under the living room window.  I think on this and again - just smile that my grandfather was watching out for his wife and never really left her - 30 years later after many moves he was still there for her.  When my grandmother told the story she just smiled when she reflected on her husband being there for her.  I get it.

Well- tonight my kids are going trick-or-treating.  Shouldn't there be an age limit to this??  Some kids just show up with a pillowcase and no costume.  I open the door and am like... er... what are you?  When Jan and I lived in Houston there was a guy with a chainsaw (no chain) and the full makeup and outfit to boot that would strike fear in adults (not to mention kids).  He would slowly walk around and randomly start up the chainsaw and raise it above his head.  This led to many kids just going to a different neighborhood.  Many parents had to talk to this guy and he eventually got the message.  So far in my new neighborhood I rarely get kids that stop by at all which means I am left with a bucket of candy.  That is the last thing my kids need... More sugar.  I wonder if my house is just "creepy" or something.  I recall as a kid there were houses we avoided.  One guy on our block in Houston was "re-roofing" his house the entire time we lived there (over 30 yrs).  His house was two steps away from looking abandoned and needless to say not many kids stopped by.  We lived across the street from Bellaire High School and walking home every day I would pass his house and wondered who lived there.  It reminded me of the house that Boo Radley from the book To Kill a Mockingbird lived in.  

Until later -

         

30 October 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 11 days after The Day)

So today was "just another day".  I had an interesting experience earlier today.  I walked into my bedroom and could have sworn that I saw my black cat sleeping on some freshly laundered and folded clothes (typical).  The challenge with this is my cat passed away shortly after Jan died.  With Penny's death so recent I am thinking about all the pets I have had over the years.  I grew up with Great Danes at my dad's home and a mutt (small dog) at my mom's home.  I wonder if our pets hang out with us after they die.  When my little black cat died I was in the house but not by her.  I knew she was not well and it was a matter of time (hours or days) before she passed.  I was writing in this blog (I believe) and I swore I saw my cat walk toward me from the other side of the house in my peripheral vision.  The cat was walking without any issue so I knew something was off.  I blinked and the cat was gone.  I jumped up and went to where I saw my cat walk from and found her dead.  (The post from that time was 27 June 2015 (189 days after The Day))  From that moment I have thought our pets perhaps hang out for a while.  Seeing my cat today made me laugh that even in the after-life my cat is laying on clothes that are clean.  In a way I felt like our pets still stay around.  I have felt that way about Jan from time to time and that brings me comfort that she is experiencing our kids growing up.  I still get frustrated that I have to teach my kids to drive.  :-|

Anyway - So while it is on the eve of Halloween and I didn't intend to share a "ghost story", I felt this one was sweet and made me smile.


    

29 October 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 10 days after The Day)

So today is getting back into the swing of things for me.  I took off last week and went on vacation.  Samantha and I saved up and went on a cruise.  I have never been on a cruise before so this was new to me.  If you have the opportunity to go I suggest you do.  I thought it was great.  My phone didn't work while I was at sea which meant I couldn't work and was able to relax.  I came back to work and had over 250 emails to wade through.  While it was good to get away it seems that life seems to through the tough life trials at the kids when we are away.  One day after we left our little dachshund named Penny had two discs in her spine go awry which left her paralyzed and unable to control her bladder and bowels.  When Samantha and I touched land and connected our phones we were able to help my mom (who was watching everyone while we were on vacation) coordinate the events of that day.  After much discussion we decided to put her down.  It was so tough on everyone.  I think dogs do a good job at just loving you the way you are.  I think that is why it hurts so bad when they die.  Penny was a very sweet dog.  We all miss her and the reminders of her remind me of Jan's passing.  All the little things make us sad all over again... With Jan it was her purse, clothes, phone, food she liked in the fridge/pantry, etc.  With Penny it is her collar, her food and water bowl, her container of food, and her dog bed.  

     
For me recently I have struggled remembering my life when Jan was alive.  In a way I have forgotten.  I have buried my old self and started anew.  While this has allowed me to function at times I reflect on things I should remember but just have a difficult time doing.

I was talking with Ammon this morning about life trials.  Sometimes life throws lots of curve balls at you and I am a believer that God helps to mold you and make you better.  The process is messy and painful but in the end you can emerge better than before the trial.  During that discussion I reflected on the painful things I have endured in my life and I think each has made me better.  I have learned to love more, to appreciate more, to be a better parent, to be driven, to persevere and be tenacious in accomplishing my goals.  I feel I learned more in talking to Ammon than I did when others talk to me.  I suppose I realized the old saying of "you teach once you learn twice".

So - my mom is flying back to Houston tomorrow.  It will be sad to see her go home since I only got to visit with her for a short time before and after our trip.  I'm so thankful that she was able to spend time with the kiddos.  I know she enjoys visiting with the kids even though it is a bit chaotic with all the kids and their schedules.

Well - I'm hoping my memories of Jan don't fade further... I feel as if I really just don't remember much.  Is that a blessing?  Sometimes I say yes... sometimes I say no.  Today - I say no.  

Until later -