8 Feb 2017 (2 yrs 52 days after The Day)

Sometimes I dream.  It is not often or perhaps better stated - I don't always remember my dreams.  I know I have them but for some reason when I wake up if I don't immediately write down the dream I really forget it quickly.  So anyway - Since Jan's death I have had only a handful of dreams with her in them.  Generally speaking she just acts normal like nothing happened and I am the weirdo flipping out that she is alive.  Anyway - all of my dreams so far with her are like that.  I always awake feeling odd like it is weird that I miss her or something.  It is hard to put into words.  Apparently my kids have also had dreams from time to time.  Sometimes they are good... sometimes not.  One of my kids is worried that I will die.  I think all my kids felt this way initially after Jan's death but since that time we have settled into a new life.  It is just a little unsettling when my kids are upset.  I don't know what it is but seeing my kids in pain is much more painful than me in pain.  I still remember Ammon at the funeral just standing amongst a mob of people in the viewing room where Jan was... he was just standing there in the center of the room looking at Jan's closed casket.  Alone.  I have so many thoughts and feelings when I see my kids experiencing pain that they shouldn't experience at that age.  At least... in my opinion.  I wish I could take their pain away.

My life when Jan was alive seems a blur.  I still have anger and still have sadness.  I am happy again. Samantha and I have a different kind of relationship which I attribute to two things - 1.) we are older so we kind of skipped to the end like we have been married for 20 years and 2.) we both experienced losing a spouse so we both strive to put first things first with our marriage.  It is so easy to stop being husband and wife and just exist as mom and dad.  That happened between Samantha and her late husband and me and Jan probably more than we want to admit.  Having a weekly date night has helped us.  Samantha found a saying on social media that said "raising kids is like being pecked to death by chickens"... sometimes it feels that way.  With one kid in college and 6 at the house we thank God that we have some sanity in being able to manage all that is going on.  Scouts, church activities, service projects, kids working, school activities, cleaning the house, go go go... honestly nobody has to rock me or Samantha to sleep.  And... little miss priss keeps us smiling the entire time.

20 Dec 2016 (2 yrs after The Day)

Well - two years has passed since that hellacious time in my life.  I learned much about myself, my children, my family, my friends, and my work.  I learned the most about God.  I learned that God allows us to live through horrific times so that we can love deeper and help others more.  For those that have to live through awful times I think you can appreciate this.  During this healing process, it was very tempting to emerge bitter and angry.  I was angry at Jan for leaving.  One thing is for sure... this event helped to strip me of pride.  I think I appreciate life more now than I ever have before.  I think back on all that has transpired and realize that I still really miss and love Jan.  I also realize that moving out of state has helped me "move on" in a way.  I suppose this pain will always be there for those that I love that pass on.  Samantha and I have an agreement with each other.  Since we are both widow/widowers ... our agreement... "You are not allowed to die".  I have grown to appreciate the love that spouses can give to each other in times of trial and sorrow.  I don't think I can adequately say how much I love and appreciate Samantha.  She really has provided stability for me in times that tough.  

Today I celebrate Claire's birthday.  I also celebrate Jan's birthday.  We had Jan's favorite cake... (yellow cake with chocolate frosting) only this one had a #2 candle on it.  It is a tough day for me.  I don't like to think about all the hell that transpired two years ago but I am thankful for a sweet daughter that loves me even during my darkest of hours.  I'm thankful for children, spouse, and family.  Love really does heal.

24 Nov 2016 (1 yr 341 days after The Day)

Happy Thanksgiving!

Well - I figured it is worth writing so I don't forget a lesson I learned yesterday.  I watched the movie "Interstellar" last night.  I couldn't get through it.  I think I just felt pain for the child "murph".  Time is a respecter of nobody... it keeps moving on... regardless if you are ready.  As I think on this movie for me it reminded me of how Jan's departure meant that she missed out on interacting with the kids during their life.  I believe we will all be reunited one day but that fact doesn't lessen the pain caused by the absence of a parent.  I am thankful beyond measure that Samantha has taken in the kids as her own.  I don't want anyone getting the impression that I am not thankful or happy in any way.  I just felt the pain for the first time through a child's eyes in what it was like to not have a parent.

Long ago I mentioned how Jan got me an Audible account for me to listen to books.  At the time I traveled a bit and found listening to books fulfilling as I was able to learn and grow.  Because I wasn't a big reader in my youth I feel somewhat disconnected from all the books referenced in society.  These classics were just book titles.  I started reading and have over 50 novels in my collection now.  I enjoy reading a book I have heard about only to formulate my own opinion.  Fo example, I had heard that the Great Gatsby was a classic... I thought it was dumb.  I'm reading the Grapes of Wrath now... so far, I like it.  The joy I have found in listening to these classics has helped.  My daughter asked me if listening to a book was just as good as reading.  I personally think they both have advantages.  Anyway - in a way this reading is like a gift from Jan that keeps on giving.  I really have enjoyed formulating my opinion on all of these classics.

So - today we are having Thanksgiving here at the house.  It is good to get family together.  It is good to smile, to laugh, and to enjoy what life has to offer - both the good and the bad.  I am thankful for this journey life has given me even though at times it is filled with the darkest of times.

06 Aug 2016 (1 yr 232 days after The Day)

Today Ammon was baptized.  I was a complete mess.  I think I just missed Jan being there.  It was good... just tender.  We had lots of family there and it was good.  We came back to the house afterwards and got to visit with everyone.  Tom played the piano and Emma Jane and Jennifer sang.  I could imagine Jan joining them.  It was a good moment.  I will cherish it forever.  Samantha was so very supportive and helped me through it.  I just feel so very lucky.  I feel I have really been blessed in this life.  Sure - I have had challenges - but I have also had my eyes shine the brighter.  I have a wife that loves me and supports me.  I have seven amazing children.  I am blessed indeed.

30 Jul 2016 (1 yr 225 days after The Day)

I have reflected much on why certain people do what they do after a spell of grief in their life.  Previous to Jan's death I thought on how people who remarried or people who moved or people who in some way changed their life were just acting opposite of who they really were.  I thought perhaps in their eyes it was a good thing but in mine it wasn't.  Living through tough times does make your eyes shine the brighter. I suppose it is because you can now appreciate things more than before.  I never realized that moving 1200 miles for me would give me a place to start fresh.  How often do you go about your day and take for granted all the things in your life that remind you of your loved ones?  For me, it was a normal occurrence.  It wasn't until Jan's death that I realized all that reminded me of her.  It was both a blessing and a curse.  I could drive down the road and remember an experience at a restaurant when Jan and I went to eat.  I could go shopping at the grocery store and recall memories of going down a list of items she wanted me to buy.  Memories made me smile... they also made me cry.  So - relocating has enabled me to start fresh.  It has given me the ability to look at things anew as nothing is familiar.  In a way it is like turning a page in my life.  I am able to move forward.  

Life is a little different here as well as a little the same.  I am blessed with a wife that loves me and the kids.  She and I strive to serve each other and that I believe is a secret for a happy marriage.  We decided to purchase a home here.  We were going to build one but that just didn't work out.  We should close on our new home in the next few weeks.  Everyone in our home is looking forward to more space.  Samantha and I are also looking forward to our own bathroom.  Sharing it with everyone in the home is a challenge.   We also are down to one at the moment.  Samantha and I went to Alaska for a vacation.  I had some points accumulated from business trips overseas and cashed them in on tickets to Alaska.  It was always on our bucket list.

We spent time with Tom and Collette who live there now.  It was so good to see them again.  In a way it was like taking a step into my old life.  (I didn't get a pic with us all when we were there... bummed about that but perhaps a good reason to visit again)  Tom played the piano and it just took me back.  It was very healing for me.  We got to experience the land of the midnight sun.  It was weird to see the sun up so late /early in the day.  When we returned home that night we had a water pipe bust in the basement which put about 3 inches of water in the bathroom and about an inch in the neighboring room.  We ended up opening up the wall and our once assembled bathroom is now a construction zone.  We got the pipe fixed and the water removed.  We are waiting on bids for fixing everything and amidst this everyone is using the upstairs bathroom.  Yes... it is packed.

Claire continues to call me "mom".  It is both frustrating and funny.  I correct her constantly but she just looks at me and says "mom" and holds my finger to take me places in the house.  She is a joy.    It is a blessing that I have these kids to remind me of Jan and also to take this journey with me.  I believe Claire will be a joining link between our families.  She loves Samantha and it is so sweet to see her give hugs to Samantha around the neck when she rarely hugs anyone around the neck.  Below is a pic of her drawing.  She is content with just a pad of paper and a crayon.

 

I am humbled to be a father to older children.  I think that is the challenge of any step-parent.  How do you be a parent and build relationships of trust when the child is old enough to look like an adult but act like a child?  I am thankful to be in their lives.  I know they may not have a super-close relationship with me since they are older but I am thankful to be in their lives... to be a father to them that I didn't have.  I struggle being "soft" in my instructions.  I'm sure that doesn't help bonding of new relationships.  Samantha helps me to improve in that area.  She really does help me to be a better me.  I am thankful for that.

Well - I will make a habit of writing more.  I have found that when I do it is healing for me.  Until later -

12 Jun 2016 (1 yr 176 days after The Day)

We took our first vacation as a family.  Two cars and 4 hrs of driving (one way) made for an interesting bit of travel.  We went to Samantha's late husband's family reunion.  Their family had rented out a 10K sq/ft home and with 30 people attending the house was full.  I will admit - it was a bit awkward but after a few days I was able to get to know everyone.  It was a positive time.  My kids had fun with the other kids there and the activities we engaged in kept us all busy.  When we arrived back home I think we all need a vacation from our vacation.  One of our kids was battling food poisoning too so we have had an action-packed time from the moment we landed back home.

I had an experience at church today when Emma was set apart for a church calling - in a way I felt like Jan was there.  It was a sweet and tender moment.  I have thought back on the times in my life that changed me... my grandfather's life... my father and mother's life decisions... my own decisions... my father's death... my best friend's death... Claire's birth and Jan's death... all have shaped me to who I am.  I believe all events can have us being pessimistic or optimistic.  I think my decision to look at these events in a positive light has helped my healing.  I think it is amazing that Samantha and me merging our families together has been so successful.  I am grateful for her and for the role she has stepped into.  Her taking on four additional children speaks volumes.

I know I have been a bit sporadic on these blog updates.. I suppose I just forget.  Life moves fast and my good intentions seem to get sidelined.

I had an opportunity to visit Jan's grave a few weeks ago when I was in town.  I don't know why but I just fell apart there.  It was a good moment to feel.  I had that moment and was able to move forward feeling better about the future.  It sounds weird, I know... I know I am always a widower but I refuse to make that my identity.  My kids deserve a mom.  They deserve to see me happy and frankly... I deserve to be happy.  That was a hard decision to get to.  I know I have stated that before but just getting there has made all the difference.  I know these blessings are not accidents.  I just want to be an active participant in my life events and own my decisions.  This may sound odd if you have not lost a spouse but for me I had to figure out who I was without my spouse.  I think we all identify with our spouse over years and become one.  It is very foreign to think of yourself as separate from them and that is what I had to do.  It was a rough exercise but one with a very positive outcome.

26 Apr 2016 (1 yr 129 days after The Day)

Something odd happened today.  I don't know if it is grief or what but I really have forgotten things Jan would say in certain situations.  It is like a fog or maybe better stated - like an empty area.  I was married for 15 years and knew Jan 10 years prior to that.  You would think those types of memories would stick around.  It is painful to not know.  It is like I have amnesia or something.  I honestly do not remember.

A week or so ago Ammon and I watched a few old home movies and he just wept.  My heart broke for him.

Tonight I spent time with Samantha, Claire, Ammon, and Madilyn.  The older kids were at church activities.  It was good to just hang out with everyone.

I have found that work keeps me busy.  That is both good and bad.  Sometimes I get lost in it and at other times I stop and feel.  I know I sound like a broken record but feeling grief takes energy and I understand why people do whatever they can not to feel it.  For me, I don't know if I am avoiding feeling grief as much as I am just going through life unaware of my surroundings.  Sometimes I just get in a groove and it isn't until much later that I realize all that is going on.  Perhaps I am alone in that.  Who knows.  So far the only confident thing I can say is planning your life is good but being able to adapt is just as equal in importance.  With as much life challenges Samantha and I have independently lived through - I think we both are appreciative of all we have.  Both the good and the bad.  So often we get down on ourselves and wish certain events didn't happen to us instead of realizing perhaps God is working with us to be a better person than we were before.  I don't doubt that Jan is happier.  Yes, I miss her.  I will always miss her.  I also realize that this life event has made me a better person... a high price to pay for wisdom and growth for sure.

Until later -