Something odd happened today. I don't know if it is grief or what but I really have forgotten things Jan would say in certain situations. It is like a fog or maybe better stated - like an empty area. I was married for 15 years and knew Jan 10 years prior to that. You would think those types of memories would stick around. It is painful to not know. It is like I have amnesia or something. I honestly do not remember.
A week or so ago Ammon and I watched a few old home movies and he just wept. My heart broke for him.
Tonight I spent time with Samantha, Claire, Ammon, and Madilyn. The older kids were at church activities. It was good to just hang out with everyone.
I have found that work keeps me busy. That is both good and bad. Sometimes I get lost in it and at other times I stop and feel. I know I sound like a broken record but feeling grief takes energy and I understand why people do whatever they can not to feel it. For me, I don't know if I am avoiding feeling grief as much as I am just going through life unaware of my surroundings. Sometimes I just get in a groove and it isn't until much later that I realize all that is going on. Perhaps I am alone in that. Who knows. So far the only confident thing I can say is planning your life is good but being able to adapt is just as equal in importance. With as much life challenges Samantha and I have independently lived through - I think we both are appreciative of all we have. Both the good and the bad. So often we get down on ourselves and wish certain events didn't happen to us instead of realizing perhaps God is working with us to be a better person than we were before. I don't doubt that Jan is happier. Yes, I miss her. I will always miss her. I also realize that this life event has made me a better person... a high price to pay for wisdom and growth for sure.
Until later -
