18 Dec 2024 (9 years, 11 months, 28 days after The Day)

 Well - the doctor visit was interesting.  He is a nice chap but all business.  He dove in and asked if I was still taking the medication.  I told him I wasn't.  I told him that he gave me so many pills and I took them.  After some discussion I began to understand that these pills are unfortunately not fast acting.  I will be on this medical journey for a few years.  So - he upped the dosage and now I get to experience the side effects again and get back on track.  I talked to him about my feet and hands.  He said "It is just swelling".  

I think I must have looked at him like he was on drugs because he said "I don't disagree that you believe it is happening" and at that point I just felt completely unheard.  He said the labs don't point to that happening.  So - I suppose I am back to scratching my head on why my head, hands, and feet are growing.  In a way I felt like people who saw a UFO and then some government official shows up and says what you saw was swamp gas reflecting off of Venus.  I feel I am a completely rational human and know how to use a ruler.  So - for now I am just keeping track of how much these are growing.

The job hunt is more of a marathon race.  I find myself hunting through job listings and finding ones that match my skills.  Then prepping my resume and cover letter to match that job.  I don't apply to many with this tactic but I do believe what I submit is good.  As the old saying goes - quality over quantity.

My old job's health benefits stopped and where Cobra was supposed to start it never did.  So - I have been paying out of pocket for things.  Health insurance costs coupled with the actual doctor bill is just nuts.  I do believe here in the USA, there is a need to address this situation.  I don't know what is right, but I do know that when I walk into a restaurant they have a menu with prices.  I don't eat at a burger joint and then get a surprise bill for 20K.  

Yesterday some carolers came by singing Christmas songs.  It was nice.  Then, at the end, they presented us with a small Christmas tree with cash on it.  I haven't really told many people in person so it is kind of a mystery to us who this is from.  We didn't recognize the carolers but in all honesty the cash is going to make Christmas for our kiddos and pay some of our medical bills.  I know it sounds silly when I say "I haven't really told many people" because I realize I am posting this on a blog that is available to all; however, I am, to many of you, a stranger.  I may be someone you just read about and see pictures of.  Maybe you know me.  I don't know.  When I look at the stats from this blog it looks like most of my viewership is outside the US so it is a bit confusing to me.  At the beginning of the blog I had a crazy following but as the years have marched on it seems there is a faithful small group that is interested in what I write.  All I know is the cash I got was completely unexpected and totally caught me off guard.  I have a hard time accepting help.  I think most people do.  For me, I just wept.  I felt completely overwhelmed with gratitude towards whomever did this.  For me it allowed me to realize how much the help I have given others over the years is appreciated and that I should do more.  As I approach this rough time of year for me - I do hope everyone out there has a wonderful Christmas holiday season.

#gratitude

11 Dec 2024 (9 years, 11 months, 21 days after The Day)

 I have been putting off this entry but it seems the longer I do the more that things weigh on my mind.  I have things to share and things that just have eaten at me.  Where to begin.  This will be both a good/bad entry as it matches life.  

Earlier this year I was really weak.  I was not able to just walk around much and my stamina on daily activities seemed to be shrinking.  I made an appointment with a doctor and they did a blood test.  That led to another blood test.  That led to an MRI which led to the diagnosis of a pituitary adenoma or a noncancerous (benign) tumor that was on my pituitary gland that was at the base of my brain.  Well - nearly instantly I became an expert by researching everything about these tumors and how they affect your body.  I had already been experiencing some of the side effects and didn't realize it.  My hands and feet along with my skull were growing.  I already feel like a lollypop but suffice it to say this tumor is now making me really have "cranius gigantis" as a comedian once said in his bit about his kids having big heads.  So - I was prescribed a medication to treat it.  It was a very small pill.  It was the size of an allergy pill.  I was to break it in half and take 1/2 the pill 2x a week.  It had some wicked side effects.  I was given about 8 pills giving me about 8 weeks on this medication.  I finished it and I now have some energy back.  My feet; however, are still growing.  I now wear a size 14.  I thought buying 13's were hard but buying 14's are a joke.  I feel bad for those that wear larger sizes.  I went to a New Balance store (yes, I know) and they had a total of 4 pairs of shoes for me to pick from.  Normal looking $200, Green and orange suede $100, bright orange/white running ones $120, and solid white $85.  So - I walked out of there with solid white shoes and I officially look like an old man.  They fit and for the first time in a long time my feet didn't hurt. For that, I was very thankful.  When my kids saw them they got a laugh and patted me on my back.  I think I am officially an old man with these shoes.  Since I was mowing lawns with Alex I needed some with some grip more than the ones I just bought so I went on eBay and purchased some black/navy blue ones that were barely used for $50 that had some traction and that is what I generally wear now.  My follow-up appointment with the doctor is next week.

We were disappointed with the neurologist Claire was seeing so we went to another one and boy am I glad we switched.  This guy is so transparent.  Through all the testing she has had in the past coupled with recent tests she was given somewhat of a diagnosis of ESES which is a rare form of epilepsy.  The good news is she will likely grow out of this but the bad news is she will struggle a bit until she does.  I work with her in the mornings to remember things by playing games with her and it is amazing to me that she can know something for a while (like weeks) then the next day it is like she never saw it.  Her memory is a challenge and I applaud Claire for being so persistent at wanting to learn.  I'm glad she thinks these silly games are fun since they are helping her learn.

Dylan has officially moved out and I am so proud of him to make these steps.  They are scary when you are doing them for the first time.  He moved only a few blocks from Alex which is good that they can be so close.  I am hoping they can hang out some.  

Madilyn decided to move back home.  I was planning my trip to be in Houston for an IT conference when I got the call that she made this decision.  I flew down early to be with her.  After the conference finished I packed her car and Madilyn and I traveled with her dog home.  It was an awesome memory.

We got a chance to stop by and see Jan's grave and see our old home.  It was really a good trip.  We made it in 2 days.  Madilyn got settled and went on the job hunt.  She just got three offers today so she is able to get things moving.  I am so happy for her.

Ammon is doing well.  He has 3 parakeets now.  He can hold them without issue and they really look at him as "dad" or something.  It is cute.  

Last Friday I was let go from my job of 18 years.  It was so incredibly tough.  I have had to execute my own reductions over time and they are not fun.  I realize the company has gotten so much smaller than it was in years past so logically I can get there but I looked at the company as family and that is where it hurts.

As I reflect on job loss I am thrust back into looking at jobs and trying to find one that has the requirements for the skills I do.  It is sad how much value I placed on the worth of myself through the eyes of this company.  It is like by their saying "we have to let you go" it is them saying "we have no use for you" or "you have no worth to us".  I interpret this as "I have no worth" which is silly.  I look at all the other people like me looking for jobs and wonder what shot I have.  Sure, I am good at what I do once I get in the door but getting there is the challenge.  And what a time of year to have this occur!  Merry Christmas!  This may be a blessing in disguise as some senior IT positions may be budgeted to be replaced in the beginning of the next year.  All I know is I have begun the process of honing my resume, writing cover letters, and applying to positions.   I don't know how long it will take for something to manifest but I pray it isn't too long.

It is interesting how God works.  Once you are the least bit comfortable he allows you to stretch and make yourself more than you are today.  Well - that is it for today.

11 Aug 2024 (9 years, 7 months, 23 days after The Day)

 So - another entry for the book.  A bunch has happened and yet a lame entry awaits your eyes.  My eldest biological daughter (Emma) is returning from Alaska this week.  I am excited to have her home.  She has been doing summer sales there and it has been an experience.  Everything is so expensive.  There are so many stories and yet, my lame entry is this paragraph - for now.  I am getting her vehicle ready to get back to her.  It has been parked while she has been away.  I am almost finished with it.

Claire is going to be starting the 4th grade soon.  That is a tough realization.  It is amazing how quickly kids grow.  Speaking of growing, my goodness is she growing.  She is as tall as a 12 year old but she is not 12.  Ammon, on the other hand, has been growing so much that he and I do see eye to eye now.  We are about an inch off.  I'm 6'2" and he is 6'1" the last I measured.  So, it is humbling to have a kid get that tall.  We got him some converse shoes for school and he opted for getting some that have dinosaurs on them.  Yes, you read that correctly.  He makes me laugh.  Like really laugh hard.

I'm juggling some work projects and so is Samantha.  I'm still mowing on the weekends and my energy has been taxed of late.  More on that later.  I have been so fortunate to have been able to spend so much time with my kiddos.  Alex and I evicted like 50 wasps from the car that was parked that Madilyn drove that Ammon will be driving soon.  We washed the cars and it was crazy getting the bugs off.  I just cannot believe how many bugs there are here in Utah.  The grasshoppers are insane.  When I mow I feel like Moses parting the grasshoppers as they jump out of the way.  There are hundreds.  It is crazy.  

I'm sure there will be more later - as a parting thought.  Always be thankful for today because you never know the news of tomorrow.

12 May 2024 (9 years, 4 months, 22 days after The Day)

 Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there.  This for me is a reflection on the sacrifice my mother made in my life.  What a sacrifice it was.  My mom raised my sisters and I as a single parent.  My dad was not involved to say the least and never once to I recall my mom bad mouthing my father.  My mom allowed his actions to speak for himself.  My mom was there for everything.  We grew up in frugal circumstances.  I never knew that I was disadvantaged in any way as my mom sacrificed to ensure my sisters and I grew up in a safe neighborhood and went to good public schools.  My sisters and I were latch-key kids and didn't have the advantage of having our mom there after school but we all knew she loved us and wanted us to be our best.  We all studied hard and learned how to be independent good people in society.  I think that is what any parent would want, right?  I was thinking the other day how my mom would call me out on things as a kid.  When I was really young she would say "Robert, you don't know your own strength." Let me tell you how much I hated hearing that phrase.  As I got older I realized this is true.  There are things I can do naturally that others just can't.  For example, if you hand me an apple, I have no problem just tearing it in half with my hands.  No technique.  Just dig your fingers into the apple and tear it in half.  I always thought people could do this but then my mom's words come back into my mind.  She would also say "How would you feel if you were [fill in the learning for the day here]" For me that was the beginnings of me looking inward to how my actions may be received by others.  She probably said that phrase a thousand times.  It was so often that I realized two things.  1.) I am probably doing things that are not nice.  2.) If I took some time to think about the situation before I said something or acted, I would probably do something different.  That council was probably the biggest change to my life as it had me thinking inward to the Golden Rule of treating others as you would want someone to treat you.

So - why do I go on this back story of my life today?  I am reflected on how as parents we are put into a place of being mentors to the future generations of today.  How it is so important not to have a generation of orphans with parents.  To be involved.  To be engaged.  To teach.  To inspire.  To wonder why this world is going to crap and then we all stare mindlessly into our phones.  I am not immune to the challenges before us all.  There are times I want to chuck my phone into the depth of the sea.  I count myself as blessed to live at a pivotal time both before and during the age of technology.  Before I go on a tangent on technology, let me just say the purpose of this blog entry is to say that some of the greatest teachers were parents.  To those mothers who have put there all into the raising of their children you have my utmost respect.  Thank you to my mom, wife(s), grandmothers, sisters, and daughters who have and continue to set such a positive example and who have had such a profound impact upon my life.  Thank you.

12 February 2024 ( 9 years, 1 month and 24 days after The Day)

 I have neglected this blog.  I think it is for a myriad of reasons.  The primary one is I am having a difficult time with my past.  I have a life I lived.  I had a wife, children, a home, and all the things that would constitute normalcy yet it is a memory.  My children have grown up.  I looked at my youngest son and now he is 6'1" and doesn't resemble the tiny 6 year old that endured such horrific times.  My eldest daughter is so grown up and my middle daughter is now living in Houston and working as an EMT.  Claire is 9.  None of these little kids resemble the kids that went through everything back then so it is hard for me to reflect on this past life.

This last Christmas was ok.  It was hard for Samantha and me.  We spent some time at an Airbnb but the host was a bully.  It turned what would have been a nice Christmas moment with the family into a moment where Samantha and I were just ready to leave.  I took about 2 gb of pictures and videos of their house before and after.  That should explain how much of a bully this host was. 

We celebrated Claire's birthday before the trip and upon our return it was back to normal.  It was nice to have a break from work and get a chance to relax with the family.  I got a chance to spend some time with Madilyn before she moved.  That was very hard for me.

I still am working as a student ambassador for Purdue which means I help students and participate in various ways.  Recently I participated with students interviewing me.  I had three students assigned to me.  So far two have conducted their interviews.  I'm still waiting on the 3rd.  I enjoy helping the students.  They are just starting out in their undergraduate programs.

I'm working with some significant time-sensitive projects at work which are adding some stress to everyone there.  Like any project it is one thing at a time so today seemed to be helping everyone understand and focus on scope and prevent it from expanding.

I am also striving to help build some machine learning for the company.  I feel it has a huge benefit if I can get some data I can leverage.  That is the trick with machine learning.  It has to train leaning from past information so any solution you think up can only be viable if you have data it can learn from.  

I strive to live by the golden rule by treating others as I would like to be treated.  I strive to be extremely fair and often thinking for long periods to ensure I do indeed act in a manner that is fair.  I have one exception to this.  That is myself when thinking of the past.  When I look in the past, I feel I am the harshest task master.  I think of what I would say or do to myself if I could go back in time and talk to myself.  I wonder if I am alone in that feeling.  As the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20 but for me that is no excuse.  It sounds silly.  In my mind I analyze things so much that EVERY play is evaluated so in a way the fact that something played out different than what I anticipated doesn't mean I didn't think this reality could happen.  It is for this reason I feel I am so harsh with myself.  It is like playing the odds in poker only with what will transpire in life.  I have a difficult time forgiving myself.  I suppose we all do at times.

It is something I am working on.

So - I am looking forward to the snow melting and the coming of warmer weather.  It will be well received!

Until later -