24 July 2023 (8 years, 7 months, 5 days after The Day)

 My mother-in-law (Jan's mom) passed away.  The flood of emotions that have followed isn't something that I thought would hit me so hard.  Jan was distant from her parents during the last few years of her life.  There were hurt feelings on both sides.  This was very unfortunate but the argument affected not only Jan but me.  It affected my relationship with her parents.  I love them dearly. Time may not heal all wounds but I believe in Christ and believe he can.  Her funeral is in a few days.  I regret not being in more contact during the last few years of her life.  Regrets seem to be a common theme at funerals.  I suppose this one is no different.  She and her husband were private people and yet I felt accepted by them.  I miss them both.  I wish I could have a conversation with both of them.  I suppose in time I will.  So - the funeral is on my mind.  I will see family I haven't seen in years.  Funerals and weddings seem to be the place for family reunions.  

Here is her obituary https://www.eckersellfuneralhome.com/obituary/jean-mcmurtrey

Until later -   

21 July 2023 (8 years, 7 months, 2 days after The Day)

 I have been in a funk the last few days.  I think that is because the rigors of school have gone and I find myself with free time but no activities.  Outside of a few car costs that have occupied my time I really just find myself thinking.  I think about everything and nothing.  I find myself staring off as I allow my mind to drift.  Jan's mom has failing health.  I talked to the kids about this so they are aware.  At times I reflect on my life with Jan and it is hard to recall.  There are so many things I have forgotten.  My kids have forgotten too.  It is very sad.  At times I close my eyes to reflect upon that time.  I imagine myself sitting on the couch and hearing what life would be like.  The clattering of the AC filter as the AC turned on/off.  The sound of the dishwasher, the sounds of small kids, the sound of some cartoon on the TV, etc.  I think about how many things I took for granted.  If Jan were sitting by me right now I wonder what I would say.  I feel like I need a reintroduction.  I find myself thinking so long and hard on things that I can be silent for hours.  Sometimes Samantha asks me a question or I strive to share some of my thoughts and just getting my thoughts together seems like a lengthy process.  Samantha wants me to just talk but I find myself opening and shutting my mouth as if words were queued up but never launched.  What has really been on my mind is my kids.  I wonder if I have been a good enough parent to help them be functioning adults.  I know they have some maturing to do but it is hard.  It is hard especially when your children make decisions that you don't agree with.  For me it makes me question what I did and if I could go back in time what would I change.

So - I find myself thinking.

Years ago, Jan made me some stationary with this statue's silhouette.  I find myself pondering things so often.  One thing I know.  I'm tired.  I feel like I hit my 40's and my body decided to fall apart.  Restless Leg Syndrome is something I am battling.  It is horrible.  I need to get a prescription.  Last night my legs kept me awake for about 2 hours.  

Well - Samantha and I are waiting on the results from Claire's EEG.  No news yet.  I'm frustrated with our Neurologist.  The guy just seems to treat neurological disorders as commonplace.  Hope to hear something soon.

Until later - 

10 July 2023 (8 years, 6 months, 21 days after The Day)

 I've been a bit distant mentally over the last few days.  You know when you just think on things and then realize it has been a while since you have talked to people?  Well - if you haven't had that experience, that is what happens when I get in a zone of thinking.  I'm sure I did a lot of that when Jan died.  So - there is a lot of the same stuff.  All the kids are working a lot (with obvious exception to the youngest two) but the others are constantly working and gone.

My car is in the shop for a catalytic converter.  They had to order one.  It is there at the shop waiting on the part to arrive.  This makes for some juggling of vehicles.

I'm mentally spent.  Until later - 

 

05 July 2023 (8 years, 6 months, 16 days after The Day)

 So today someone ran into Madilyn's vehicle and tore off the bumper.  Luckily we got the offending parties insurance info but suffice it to say it was a bit frustrating.  This was Madilyn's first day working in a clinic.  She absolutely loved it.  I have to think there is a bit of her Grandma (my mom) and Grandpa (Jan's dad) in there because they both loved medicine and worked in it as a profession.  When Madilyn started describing some of the injuries people were dealing with I was like - OK, I'm done listening.  

Yesterday we had a good 4th.  It was a nice break from work and I was able to serve some BBQ to family here.  About 35 ate and the ribs were gone first, then brisket, then pulled pork, then chicken.  We left with only a bit of pulled pork and chicken that wasn't eaten.  That always makes me feel good when a crowd eats and is filled and happy.  I did have someone years ago ask for a fork.  I was and still am confused by this.  It is like they have never eaten BBQ.  My brisket doesn't require a fork.

I'm helping Emma work out some calculation of hours worked.  She has a pay discrepancy that appears on the surface that will require a sit-down discussion with someone.

I just rode 11 miles prior to writing this entry.  It was good to get outside and have a moment on my bike.  I got an email today that the city will be having motorcycle police on the trails to enforce bicycle laws.  I am so happy for this.  I realize it is an irritant to stop your bicycle when you cross a road but personally I fear killing bicyclists as they blow through intersections in packs.  I cannot stop my car on a dime!

Oh - and here is another picture of Monroe.  She is so cute!