16 April 2017 (2 yrs 120 days after The Day)

So, let me just preface that music in my family is important.  Jan and I were both active musicians in high school and college.  It has always been a symbol between us I suppose... It is even on the back of our headstone.  I mainly loved to play jazz.  While Jan leaned towards classical music she also had a love for jazz.  Harry Connick's Blue Light, Red Light was a staple in our music library.  She would also sing Ella Fitzgerald's tunes.  Summertime, for example, is one that she could sing beautifully.  I would find her humming or singing to herself sometimes.  Her voice is angelic.    

Two days ago I spend the day rebuilding a tool box.  I spent the entire day in the garage disassembling, cleaning, re-lubing, and reassembling this box.  I listen to all types of music but that day was a jazz day for me.  I listened to the jazz I love- Glen Miller, Benny Goodman, Chick Webb & His Orchestra, BBC Big Band Orchestra, Chu Berry, Duke Ellington, Jerry Gray, and Doc Severinsen to name a few.  Perhaps this type of music has just been with me recently.  I don't know.  Anyway - as I have previously stated - I don't really recall my dreams.  I know I do dream but nonetheless I awoke this morning with a song sung by Ella Fitzgerald which I knew the tune but not the lyrics.  As I found myself humming this tune in the shower, I was thinking to myself - what is the name of this tune?? ... Then it hit me.  Dream a little dream of me.  I looked up the lyrics on Google and they are a bit eye-opening since I hadn't thought of Ella's songs in such a long time and I didn't know this one.

Stars shining bright above you
Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you"
Birds singing in the sycamore trees
Dream a little dream of me 

Say nighty-night and kiss me
Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me
While I'm alone and blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me 

Stars fading but I linger on dear
Still craving your kiss
I'm longing to linger till dawn dear
Just saying this 

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you
But in your dreams whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me 

Stars fading but I linger on dear
Still craving your kiss
I'm longing to linger till dawn dear
Just saying this 

Sweet dreams, till sunbeams find you
Gotta keep dreaming leave all worries behind you
But in your dreams whatever they be
You gotta make me a promise, promise to me
You'll dream, dream a little of me

Needless to say I immediately thought of Jan and her singing of Ella's songs.  I don't recall her ever singing this but in a way it was a sweet reminder to me that our loved ones are always with us.

Today, in our family, we celebrate Easter.  Easter represents the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the tomb.  It is a touchy subject for me since death generally helps each of us get real on what we believe.  I was reading today's Sunday School lesson yesterday which asks the following:

Do you actually believe that Jesus was the Son of God, the literal offspring of the Father? 

Do you believe that the voice of God, the Eternal Father, was heard above the waters of Jordan declaring, “This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased”? (Matt. 3:17.) 

Do you believe that this same Jesus was the worker of miracles, the healer of the sick, the restorer of the infirm, the giver of life to the dead? 

Do you believe that following his death on Calvary’s hill and his burial in Joseph’s tomb, he came forth alive the third day? 

Do you actually believe that he yet lives—real, vital, and personal—and that he will come again as promised by the angels at his ascension? 

I get that religion is different for many.  I get that people have differing beliefs.  I only share this section to highlight that for me, "What do you really believe?" was a question I had to answer when Jan died.  I had to get very clear.  I had to do this not only for me but for my children who were looking to me for guidance.  Do I believe that there is life after this one?  For me the answer is a solid yes.  Because of that belief, life events like this silly song hit me with profound influence reminding me that there is more to life than mortality.  For me, knowing that I will still be very much alive ten thousand years from today makes me think of mortality differently.  My life decisions are different because of it.  I think eternity has a place in all of us.  We may not want to acknowledge it but as children of God he has put a little bit of divinity in each of us.  God is not dead nor will we be in the hereafter.  That I believe.

Happy Easter to all -

8 April 2017 (2 yrs 112 days after The Day)

So I guess I kinda suck at keeping up with this blog.  At the time that I started it was used in an attempt to keep those that wanted to know what was going on updated.  It then turned into a place for me to write down my thoughts and begin to understand my feelings.  Once I felt like I was on my feet again I slipped back into just living life.  I feel I have done myself a disservice by not writing down my thoughts.  After all - how many times do we hear stories from our kids and we honestly don't remember it.  I swear that is my life.  So again - I will give it a go to keep up with this blog.

So - much has happened since the last entry.  I have had some growing experiences with all the kids.  Some are more receptive to change than others.  Ammon wrote thank you notes to everyone.  He did this on his own.  It was very touching.  I swear that kid has such a kind heart.

The adjustment to this location is starting to settle in.  I know it sounds weird since I have lived here for as long as I have but I am starting to call this place home.  I am looking at the entire family (both biological and extended) as one.  This has helped me to adjust.  I still have sad moments.  Today was a sad day for me.  I don't know what triggered everything but I just was a little down.  I took Madilyn early this morning to eat donuts and that was a fun experience.  I am making time to not only go on daddy/(son/daughter) dates but also to have a date night with Samantha.  We went to dinner and then bowling... which was a bit interesting because of my knee... ok - need to fill you in on that.

Last weekend I smoked a bunch of BBQ and it turned out nice.

We had a bunch of Samantha's side of the family over.  It was good to visit with lots of people.  Afterwards the boys were playing baseball in the back yard with various yard objects as bases.  They invited me to play and I weighed the options ... and decided to go ahead and play.  The grass was a little wet and after about 30 min of playing I ended up slipping on the grass and injured my knee .... again.  So, I always hate that moment when you are injured and everyone tries to help and you are just a pathetic pile on the floor.  I decided I was going to smile and laugh.  It was a silly moment of excruciating pain.  The first thing I asked was if I landed in dog poop.  I think everyone knows THAT would make any injury worse.  Luckily I hadn't.  I was able to get up and hobble to the bed where I got some ice and tried to get the swelling to lessen.... so bowling a week later was more like slow pitch softball than bowling.  I find that I get a better score if I chuck the ball 1/4 of the way down the lane.  Anyway - we had a good date.

So - yes - I am settling into this new normal... yet I have times of sadness.  Today was a bit of sadness.