Something odd happened today. I don't know if it is grief or what but I really have forgotten things Jan would say in certain situations. It is like a fog or maybe better stated - like an empty area. I was married for 15 years and knew Jan 10 years prior to that. You would think those types of memories would stick around. It is painful to not know. It is like I have amnesia or something. I honestly do not remember.
A week or so ago Ammon and I watched a few old home movies and he just wept. My heart broke for him.
Tonight I spent time with Samantha, Claire, Ammon, and Madilyn. The older kids were at church activities. It was good to just hang out with everyone.
I have found that work keeps me busy. That is both good and bad. Sometimes I get lost in it and at other times I stop and feel. I know I sound like a broken record but feeling grief takes energy and I understand why people do whatever they can not to feel it. For me, I don't know if I am avoiding feeling grief as much as I am just going through life unaware of my surroundings. Sometimes I just get in a groove and it isn't until much later that I realize all that is going on. Perhaps I am alone in that. Who knows. So far the only confident thing I can say is planning your life is good but being able to adapt is just as equal in importance. With as much life challenges Samantha and I have independently lived through - I think we both are appreciative of all we have. Both the good and the bad. So often we get down on ourselves and wish certain events didn't happen to us instead of realizing perhaps God is working with us to be a better person than we were before. I don't doubt that Jan is happier. Yes, I miss her. I will always miss her. I also realize that this life event has made me a better person... a high price to pay for wisdom and growth for sure.
Until later -
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Saturday, April 9, 2016
09 Apr 2016 (1 yr 112 days after The Day)
As the days tick by I have reflected on how my life has changed. It seems like a dream when I reflect upon Jan. I wonder at times how different I would be with her if she were here. I am learning how to move forward. I think it was a very good move for me to move out of my home. I have felt free to heal. I will admit that going back to my old home was very very tough. Just driving the roads brought back loads of memories. It is like a smell in a way. Have you ever smelt something and instantly been reminded of someone or had a memory flood back that you haven't thought of in a while? That is what it is like. When I visited Jan's grave I just was reminded of all the pain... all the abandonment. I don't recall how I lived from day to day. I just did what I could to survive. Now that I live 1200 miles away I find that I have peace. My wife is so loving and kind and really.... with anyone going through this that is really what heals. Love heals. Like I have said before - I don't think anyone will ever "get over" loss but they become a stronger and more compassionate person. At least - that is what I feel has happened to me.
I am learning how to be a stepfather to youth older than my own kids. It is a tough lesson and I am learning. I recall how I had stepmothers growing up and the good and bad experiences that came from them. I applying those lessons to hopefully be the best stepfather/father I can be.
At the moment - the vast majority of my belongings are in storage. I have grown accustomed to different furniture which has helped my healing. With that being said there is a significant amount of processing that will need to take place when we finally move into a larger home. We have nine people living in a home designed for five. A bigger space will allow for all of my stuff to venture out. Seeing the old furniture will I'm sure bring back some memories. We dug out Jan's dresser for Emma and Madilyn to use. It was tough seeing it again.. it is weird how furniture can do that to you.
Overall I feel like the raw fractured part of me that was left to figure things out is beginning to heal. I attribute that to a change in scenery coupled with the love of Samantha. She really has helped me to feel love again She is an amazing mom and I know Jan is happy that she is here because well... my kids have smiled again and so have I.
I am learning how to be a stepfather to youth older than my own kids. It is a tough lesson and I am learning. I recall how I had stepmothers growing up and the good and bad experiences that came from them. I applying those lessons to hopefully be the best stepfather/father I can be.
At the moment - the vast majority of my belongings are in storage. I have grown accustomed to different furniture which has helped my healing. With that being said there is a significant amount of processing that will need to take place when we finally move into a larger home. We have nine people living in a home designed for five. A bigger space will allow for all of my stuff to venture out. Seeing the old furniture will I'm sure bring back some memories. We dug out Jan's dresser for Emma and Madilyn to use. It was tough seeing it again.. it is weird how furniture can do that to you.
Overall I feel like the raw fractured part of me that was left to figure things out is beginning to heal. I attribute that to a change in scenery coupled with the love of Samantha. She really has helped me to feel love again She is an amazing mom and I know Jan is happy that she is here because well... my kids have smiled again and so have I.
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