23 Feb 2016 (1 yr 68 days after The Day)

So today I did something I thought was going to be no big deal... well - that isn't entirely true.  I decided to disconnect Jan's mobile phone.  I got her voicemail greeting and cleaned out her voicemail messages.  I then searched on Verizon's site on where to cancel service.  They do not have a place to do this online so I had to call.  I called and spoke to a person who initially wanted to convince me to stay until I told them why I was disconnecting.  She then noted that there hasn't been much activity and that she was sorry for my loss.  Overall I just had to listen to her feel bad for me which in a weird way made me feel all the pain all over again.  I found out that even though the pain isn't unrelenting as it was when I lost her the pain has lost none of its potency.  Grief sucks.

14 Feb 2016 (1 yr 59 days after The Day)

It is valentines day.  It is the first one being married to Samantha.   I am grateful for her love.  I have reflected again and again on how love heals.  While we all hope or assume our lives will go forward uneventfully and go according to our plans - we may face unexpected heartbreak.  I reflect on the three deaths I have had to deal with over the last couple of years.

1. My father passed.  My father and I were not super close.  His passing was bitter-sweet.  His death was not too unexpected - he was battling a disease and looked bad.  So - to that end I was not too shocked.  I wanted my father to make different choices in life.  His choices were tough on me and his passing in a way brought relief.  It sounds sad to say that... I know.  But it is true.  
2. Jan died.  This death really fractured who I was to the core.  This was my other-half.  Really.  Jan and I didn't have a perfect marriage by any account but we loved each other unconditionally.  Her departure was like exposing a raw nerve.  I took for granted the comfort we gave each other and found myself alone.  My children gave me hope and comfort but Jan's death in a way tore me in half.  Part of me died with her.  This is true.
3. My best friend died unexpectedly.  We were friends since I was about 12.  We were different yet the same in many ways.  Over the years we drifted apart and had a life event that fractured our relationship.  In a way we agreed to disagree.  This agreement came after 4 years of not talking to each other.  After Jan died we reconnected.  We were different and time had shown me this... but I thought of him as my brother.  I still do.  His death brought me back to a very dark place.  

In each of these events the thing that brought me out of such darkness was love.  I still mourn these deaths but I have found that love heals.  During dark times there is such temptation to just go numb.  To NOT feel.  Healing from any injury doesn't happen overnight... but healing can occur though love.  Service to others helped me to feel when I was hurting the most.

So - this valentines day I am left feeling thankful for the reminder that love heals.  It can heal anything.  I am thankful for the blessings that have been given to me in this life.  I count both positives and negatives as blessings.  I have become better by both.