27 December 2025 (11 years, 7 days after The Day)

 I have been distant from this blog.  I have been pondering on how life slowly moves forward and how we don't realize the change until long after.  I recently reflected on my life when my kiddos were young and when Jan was alive.  It seems like yesterday yet I seem so different now than I did then.  I know we are all on a path.  We are all growing to become something, right?  So years later, will we look back and think "I made the right decisions at the time I made them"?  I feel I will.  I feel very blessed.  I have had pain, sorrow, and suffering.  I have questioned some of the challenges in life and like many, I have welcomed an early departure if one were to come; however, I also have realized that God blesses us with challenges to stretch us and make us grow.  The refinement process is hot with lots of hammering.  It reminds me of this image where I don't want to change and Heavenly Father breaks out the torch after making a lot of subtle attempts at helping me want to change on my own.

It requires a lot of patience with yourself as you endure it and allow yourself to be something different.  This holiday season, well, every holiday season is a stretch for me.  It is like a personal trainer who willingly lets me into the gym and then locks me inside and smiles.  I have learned to look inwardly on what I am made of and realize that while I enjoy a rest, that is not when I grow.  I am so very thankful for both Jan and Samantha.  Two women who have loved me unconditionally and helped me to be my very best.  I truly am so grateful for their sacrifice.

This holiday season I look at my growing family as my kids have little families of their own and I feel so incredibly grateful to be along for the ride.  I wish Jan and Justin were here to see their kids later in life.  

Claire is now 11.  She is incredibly tall for her age.  She wears a 8.5 in a woman's shoe size.  She is about 5'1".  I think Jan would smile at this.

As I reflect on 2025 I am grateful for my family.   I am thankful for the challenges in life which have stretched me and forced my growth.  I am grateful for the support my family and friends give and for the opportunities we have to make different choices tomorrow as we start anew.  

Until later -   

04 September 2025 (10 years, 8 months, 15 days after The Day)

 Yesterday started as a normal day.  I went to work and felt I was very effective.  That is such a good feeling for me.  Like, if there is something that "fills my bucket" it is feeling that I am getting things done. I was able to go on a walk yesterday and that too was good.  The entire day was going well.  

Claire is determined to learn math.  I truly believe in the quote that students teach themselves and teachers inspire.  This concept I learned when Jan and I embraced the Thomas Jefferson Education method of teaching with our kids.  At least, in my own life, when I have been exposed to something, my desire to learn has been furthered by someone who has inspired me.  That inspiration has driven me to want to learn independently of them teaching me.  That internal fire has ignited the fire necessary to overcome the obstacles that come with learning.  With Claire, she has an internal fire lit on math.  I am striving to adapt math to something that she can do.  Working with things that are base 10 seems to work for her whether an abacus or her fingers - leveraging 10 counting things seems to really help her grasp the concept of getting the answer.  So - over the last couple of days, she has been able to master addition and subtraction using this base 10 guide for attacking problems.  She is getting roughly 99% of the problems correct.  She was intimidated by multiplication and division but when I showed her skip counting (which she knows a bit of) she was fascinated to realize she already knows how to multiply and divide.  She just needs some practice. Every evening and morning this week has been met with her asking to do math.  That is the inspiration that I love to see in anyone that has an internal fire lit.  They want to learn on their own regardless of the teacher.

Samantha and I started watching a show on TV where the first episode dealt with the main actor's wife being murdered and another person on the show who had a kid being murdered.  I believe the second one triggered me beyond anything.  I was just angry.  I was fueled with such anger.  I wanted to reach through the TV and communicate with the lady that was putting her life in danger who later died because of her actions.  She was so foolish.  She was so careless.  She was such a good mother and yet, now she was dead.  Hindsight is 20/20 so I remind myself that when you look in the past you have depression, in the future is anxiety, but the present is peace.  I think on this and it gives me calm and composure.  

It is amazing how we have the ability to live vicariously through others in movies, books, and other media.  We have the ability to experience love, loss, happiness, triumph, sadness, pain, anger, elation, betrayal and grief all as if we experienced it first-hand all by allowing ourselves to become vulnerable to the content.  It is so real that we would swear that we experienced it right along with the main character.  

It is why, I believe, we should be careful what we allow ourselves to be exposed to.  Is it surprising to see some content numb the soul where other content enriches it? From a data perspective there are trends that become visual over time.  Like temperature in a pot over a stove, a gradual increase is hard to tell.  Is it abnormal for a med student to shadow a doctor in the ER and vomit because of the gore they are exposed to?  Is it abnormal for a doctor who has worked in the ER for years to vomit because of the gore?  This exposure is what I speak of.  I can see the trend on TV and movies over time where the public is getting exposed so slowly that we don't recognize it.  

Perhaps I need to revisit what I am watching.  I suppose we all need a reassessment as we are all going somewhere and if we don't want to randomly end up somewhere we may want to adjust course.  Life should be deliberate, right?  Life should be filled with choices that you stand by and say, I made this choice!  I look around and think, you could have a movie playing in a theater and I bet 90% or more of those watching the movie would be just as happy to doom scroll on their phone.  What a pointless waste of a life.  I have pondered why doom scrolling is so common.  I think it is like drinking or drugs.  It just allows the participant to detach from reality.  

This entry has been a ramble for sure.  Until next time - 

31 August 2025 (10 years, 8 months, 11 days after The Day)

 So - at last I make an entry.  Let's all get up to date.  In May, I accepted a job offer to lead IT at a steel manufacturing company.  The job search was so difficult on me mentally and I was glad to have it come to an end.  It isn't local to me so I end up having to do a bit of hybrid work which is fine.  My kids are growing up and they are all going different directions.  It is expected but sad when they move out.  I had an executive management trip to take last week and Madilyn ended up moving out.  It was sad to see her go.  On that trip I was introduced to playing golf.  So - I learned a couple of things.  Baseball doesn't have any competitive advantage in golf.  So, regardless of my ability to hit the ball with a bat, it had no translation to helping me with a club.  I also learned that golf clubs are very short to me.  I ended up playing 2-18 hole games and 1-9 hole game.  By the time I played the 9 hole game I realized how to play.  I was more focused on hitting with accuracy than with power.  I also lucked out on that game to get clubs that were long so I genuinely enjoyed the game more.

When I arrived home my feet were killing me.  I realize how much golf plays into business as it helped build relationships of trust amongst the executives AND we were able to tackle some business problems along the way.  I started out not knowing these people and ended the trip feeling like I was part of the company.  My son called me as my plane had landed asking if we could start mowing early so he could catch some of the football games.  One of our lawn clients had a tree taken out and the stump grinded down.  They wanted the wood chips hauled off to the dump.  After loading and dumping the weigh station had the truck with 1000 lbs. of wood chips.  THEN we had two lawns to mow.  After the lawns I spent the rest of the day catching up with a weeks worth of work I wasn't able to do. 

 Ammon, Claire, and I then met Samantha at work as her shift ended and we went to Chili's for dinner.  It was a nice evening out.  I honestly don't recall the last time we took Ammon and Claire out.  When we got home, I was so tired from the day that I couldn't really stay awake.  I excused myself and went to bed.  Today was a busy day with church.  I filled in doing the video/YouTube presentation as the normal guy assigned was ill.  It took me a minute to remember how to work all the controls.

When I got home I ate a bowl of cereal, changed into something comfy, and then Madilyn came home with her dog, Athena.  Athena was so excited to see me which made me smile.  She was just all smiles and wagging her tail so hard it was hitting her face.  She is snuggling on her huge dog bed while Madilyn is snoozing on the couch.  I am glad I have tomorrow off from work as I need a moment to recoup from the travel.

So - now that I am working again, it is a lot of the same schedule.  I have realized how much I put work into my worth as I struggled with seeing my worth until I was employed.  I think this is probably fairly common with men.  I think of how different men and women are when it comes to stresses of life - not that one is more/less than the other or that one is better/worse than the other.  Just that we are so different.  I think back to the way Jan handled stressful times.  I think to how Samantha handles stressful times.  I think on how I handle stressful times.  I think we all process stress differently.  I am reminded of when Jan and I got married.  Someone asked Jan what she was thinking the day before - she said "I can't believe I'm going to be married - I am so excited".  When I was asked I said something similar but I was thinking I am now going to officially be responsible for two people (Jan and myself).  That level of stress motivated me to be my best.  I think often stress can paralyze you as well - especially when you feel you have no resources.  Maybe there is a kernel of truth in the words of Dory from the movie "Finding Nemo" "Just keep swimming"

Until next time -

02 March 2025 (10 years, 2 months, 10 days after The Day)

 Greetings everybody.  I have been pondering many events that have transpired in my life of late.  I realize that we see, learn, and understand things in a given way and internalize them forever that way.  Here is a definition for you.

A paradigm is a framework, model, or set of assumptions that define how something is understood, approached, or conducted within a particular field or context. It shapes thinking, behaviors, and methodologies.

For a visual, 

  

Another is hearing a passing siren from an emergency vehicle.  We hear it approach at one pitch, sound normal, then in the distance as it moves away has a different pitch.  If the question is "what is the sound of the siren" then the answer is actually all of them.  Just because it sounds "normal" when it is up close doesn't mean it is wrong when it is far away leaving or far away approaching.  This reality has helped me over the years not to cast judgement too quickly on a situation. 

Now, before you all run away with the thought of math, hear me out.  Let's talk about Walmart people.  You know what I am talking about.  You walk in that store and you think to yourself when you see people, "That's different." or maybe you don't think it.  Maybe you say it.  Let's look at a distribution of data below.  Let's call this "Walmart shoppers and their choices of clothing"  The blue section represents the vast majority of people like you and me that know how to dress themselves.  The green section starts to leave "normal" and enter the area of "you may not want to wear that in public".  The yellow section may represent the rare but entertaining experience of the outlier in the store where you wonder how they arrived there and if there is a timer running on when police will be called or if police know them by name already.

My wife says she is going to get me a shirt that says "That's different" because of how many times I notice things in the green or yellow areas.  Suffice it to say I think we are all judgmental.  I bring this up because we may be too quick to cast judgement not knowing the person themselves.  For example, I struggle with color and think to myself maybe there are times I am too lazy to ask someone how I look before I head out the door to Walmart. Maybe I am normally dressing in the green area and don't know it.  People may look at me surprised that I tied my shoes correctly.

When I graduated from Purdue, we saw people on campus wandering around that looked very disheveled.  I told my wife they were either homeless or Ph.D. students (think yellow on the scale of education).  I think that is a good example of how my brain works.  I easily jump to casting judgement before telling myself to stop and consider all elements. So, here I am reviewing all the various judgements that have been made by me over the last few months.  I think to myself are they in the green or are they blue am I in the yellow?  This has helped me review my actions towards others.

Family life events have continued to make things a challenge.... stretching myself beyond my comfort zone.  One thing is true - my comfort zone has expanded these last few months.  For all the men out there, we tend to place so much value on our career.  It is like a thing that defines us.  For me I have come to realize I am more than a job, at least, that is what my family has told me and what my Father in Heaven is teaching me.  It is a hard lesson for me to relearn.  I have been taught from my youth that your core should be focused on God, then your family, then your career.  

I suppose when you work long enough trying to be your best at a career you begin to reprioritize things.  For me, God has always been a core part of me but has taken a back seat to many of my life pursuits.  My Heavenly Father has been patient with me on this.  From time to time I have had trials that question my spiritual strength.  It is is an eye opener when you once were so spiritually strong only to return having spent so much focus elsewhere to be weak.  It reminds me of the scripture in Mark 9:24 "And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief".  So, it is now that I return to the spiritual gym with my Heavenly Father who patiently helps me.  I am relearning that each of us is a cherished son/daughter of our Heavenly Father.  Even those in the yellow and even me.  

  

    

18 Dec 2024 (9 years, 11 months, 28 days after The Day)

 Well - the doctor visit was interesting.  He is a nice chap but all business.  He dove in and asked if I was still taking the medication.  I told him I wasn't.  I told him that he gave me so many pills and I took them.  After some discussion I began to understand that these pills are unfortunately not fast acting.  I will be on this medical journey for a few years.  So - he upped the dosage and now I get to experience the side effects again and get back on track.  I talked to him about my feet and hands.  He said "It is just swelling".  

I think I must have looked at him like he was on drugs because he said "I don't disagree that you believe it is happening" and at that point I just felt completely unheard.  He said the labs don't point to that happening.  So - I suppose I am back to scratching my head on why my head, hands, and feet are growing.  In a way I felt like people who saw a UFO and then some government official shows up and says what you saw was swamp gas reflecting off of Venus.  I feel I am a completely rational human and know how to use a ruler.  So - for now I am just keeping track of how much these are growing.

The job hunt is more of a marathon race.  I find myself hunting through job listings and finding ones that match my skills.  Then prepping my resume and cover letter to match that job.  I don't apply to many with this tactic but I do believe what I submit is good.  As the old saying goes - quality over quantity.

My old job's health benefits stopped and where Cobra was supposed to start it never did.  So - I have been paying out of pocket for things.  Health insurance costs coupled with the actual doctor bill is just nuts.  I do believe here in the USA, there is a need to address this situation.  I don't know what is right, but I do know that when I walk into a restaurant they have a menu with prices.  I don't eat at a burger joint and then get a surprise bill for 20K.  

Yesterday some carolers came by singing Christmas songs.  It was nice.  Then, at the end, they presented us with a small Christmas tree with cash on it.  I haven't really told many people in person so it is kind of a mystery to us who this is from.  We didn't recognize the carolers but in all honesty the cash is going to make Christmas for our kiddos and pay some of our medical bills.  I know it sounds silly when I say "I haven't really told many people" because I realize I am posting this on a blog that is available to all; however, I am, to many of you, a stranger.  I may be someone you just read about and see pictures of.  Maybe you know me.  I don't know.  When I look at the stats from this blog it looks like most of my viewership is outside the US so it is a bit confusing to me.  At the beginning of the blog I had a crazy following but as the years have marched on it seems there is a faithful small group that is interested in what I write.  All I know is the cash I got was completely unexpected and totally caught me off guard.  I have a hard time accepting help.  I think most people do.  For me, I just wept.  I felt completely overwhelmed with gratitude towards whomever did this.  For me it allowed me to realize how much the help I have given others over the years is appreciated and that I should do more.  As I approach this rough time of year for me - I do hope everyone out there has a wonderful Christmas holiday season.

#gratitude

11 Dec 2024 (9 years, 11 months, 21 days after The Day)

 I have been putting off this entry but it seems the longer I do the more that things weigh on my mind.  I have things to share and things that just have eaten at me.  Where to begin.  This will be both a good/bad entry as it matches life.  

Earlier this year I was really weak.  I was not able to just walk around much and my stamina on daily activities seemed to be shrinking.  I made an appointment with a doctor and they did a blood test.  That led to another blood test.  That led to an MRI which led to the diagnosis of a pituitary adenoma or a noncancerous (benign) tumor that was on my pituitary gland that was at the base of my brain.  Well - nearly instantly I became an expert by researching everything about these tumors and how they affect your body.  I had already been experiencing some of the side effects and didn't realize it.  My hands and feet along with my skull were growing.  I already feel like a lollypop but suffice it to say this tumor is now making me really have "cranius gigantis" as a comedian once said in his bit about his kids having big heads.  So - I was prescribed a medication to treat it.  It was a very small pill.  It was the size of an allergy pill.  I was to break it in half and take 1/2 the pill 2x a week.  It had some wicked side effects.  I was given about 8 pills giving me about 8 weeks on this medication.  I finished it and I now have some energy back.  My feet; however, are still growing.  I now wear a size 14.  I thought buying 13's were hard but buying 14's are a joke.  I feel bad for those that wear larger sizes.  I went to a New Balance store (yes, I know) and they had a total of 4 pairs of shoes for me to pick from.  Normal looking $200, Green and orange suede $100, bright orange/white running ones $120, and solid white $85.  So - I walked out of there with solid white shoes and I officially look like an old man.  They fit and for the first time in a long time my feet didn't hurt. For that, I was very thankful.  When my kids saw them they got a laugh and patted me on my back.  I think I am officially an old man with these shoes.  Since I was mowing lawns with Alex I needed some with some grip more than the ones I just bought so I went on eBay and purchased some black/navy blue ones that were barely used for $50 that had some traction and that is what I generally wear now.  My follow-up appointment with the doctor is next week.

We were disappointed with the neurologist Claire was seeing so we went to another one and boy am I glad we switched.  This guy is so transparent.  Through all the testing she has had in the past coupled with recent tests she was given somewhat of a diagnosis of ESES which is a rare form of epilepsy.  The good news is she will likely grow out of this but the bad news is she will struggle a bit until she does.  I work with her in the mornings to remember things by playing games with her and it is amazing to me that she can know something for a while (like weeks) then the next day it is like she never saw it.  Her memory is a challenge and I applaud Claire for being so persistent at wanting to learn.  I'm glad she thinks these silly games are fun since they are helping her learn.

Dylan has officially moved out and I am so proud of him to make these steps.  They are scary when you are doing them for the first time.  He moved only a few blocks from Alex which is good that they can be so close.  I am hoping they can hang out some.  

Madilyn decided to move back home.  I was planning my trip to be in Houston for an IT conference when I got the call that she made this decision.  I flew down early to be with her.  After the conference finished I packed her car and Madilyn and I traveled with her dog home.  It was an awesome memory.

We got a chance to stop by and see Jan's grave and see our old home.  It was really a good trip.  We made it in 2 days.  Madilyn got settled and went on the job hunt.  She just got three offers today so she is able to get things moving.  I am so happy for her.

Ammon is doing well.  He has 3 parakeets now.  He can hold them without issue and they really look at him as "dad" or something.  It is cute.  

Last Friday I was let go from my job of 18 years.  It was so incredibly tough.  I have had to execute my own reductions over time and they are not fun.  I realize the company has gotten so much smaller than it was in years past so logically I can get there but I looked at the company as family and that is where it hurts.

As I reflect on job loss I am thrust back into looking at jobs and trying to find one that has the requirements for the skills I do.  It is sad how much value I placed on the worth of myself through the eyes of this company.  It is like by their saying "we have to let you go" it is them saying "we have no use for you" or "you have no worth to us".  I interpret this as "I have no worth" which is silly.  I look at all the other people like me looking for jobs and wonder what shot I have.  Sure, I am good at what I do once I get in the door but getting there is the challenge.  And what a time of year to have this occur!  Merry Christmas!  This may be a blessing in disguise as some senior IT positions may be budgeted to be replaced in the beginning of the next year.  All I know is I have begun the process of honing my resume, writing cover letters, and applying to positions.   I don't know how long it will take for something to manifest but I pray it isn't too long.

It is interesting how God works.  Once you are the least bit comfortable he allows you to stretch and make yourself more than you are today.  Well - that is it for today.

11 Aug 2024 (9 years, 7 months, 23 days after The Day)

 So - another entry for the book.  A bunch has happened and yet a lame entry awaits your eyes.  My eldest biological daughter (Emma) is returning from Alaska this week.  I am excited to have her home.  She has been doing summer sales there and it has been an experience.  Everything is so expensive.  There are so many stories and yet, my lame entry is this paragraph - for now.  I am getting her vehicle ready to get back to her.  It has been parked while she has been away.  I am almost finished with it.

Claire is going to be starting the 4th grade soon.  That is a tough realization.  It is amazing how quickly kids grow.  Speaking of growing, my goodness is she growing.  She is as tall as a 12 year old but she is not 12.  Ammon, on the other hand, has been growing so much that he and I do see eye to eye now.  We are about an inch off.  I'm 6'2" and he is 6'1" the last I measured.  So, it is humbling to have a kid get that tall.  We got him some converse shoes for school and he opted for getting some that have dinosaurs on them.  Yes, you read that correctly.  He makes me laugh.  Like really laugh hard.

I'm juggling some work projects and so is Samantha.  I'm still mowing on the weekends and my energy has been taxed of late.  More on that later.  I have been so fortunate to have been able to spend so much time with my kiddos.  Alex and I evicted like 50 wasps from the car that was parked that Madilyn drove that Ammon will be driving soon.  We washed the cars and it was crazy getting the bugs off.  I just cannot believe how many bugs there are here in Utah.  The grasshoppers are insane.  When I mow I feel like Moses parting the grasshoppers as they jump out of the way.  There are hundreds.  It is crazy.  

I'm sure there will be more later - as a parting thought.  Always be thankful for today because you never know the news of tomorrow.