Monday, February 12, 2024

12 February 2024 ( 9 years, 1 month and 24 days after The Day)

 I have neglected this blog.  I think it is for a myriad of reasons.  The primary one is I am having a difficult time with my past.  I have a life I lived.  I had a wife, children, a home, and all the things that would constitute normalcy yet it is a memory.  My children have grown up.  I looked at my youngest son and now he is 6'1" and doesn't resemble the tiny 6 year old that endured such horrific times.  My eldest daughter is so grown up and my middle daughter is now living in Houston and working as an EMT.  Claire is 9.  None of these little kids resemble the kids that went through everything back then so it is hard for me to reflect on this past life.

This last Christmas was ok.  It was hard for Samantha and me.  We spent some time at an Airbnb but the host was a bully.  It turned what would have been a nice Christmas moment with the family into a moment where Samantha and I were just ready to leave.  I took about 2 gb of pictures and videos of their house before and after.  That should explain how much of a bully this host was. 

We celebrated Claire's birthday before the trip and upon our return it was back to normal.  It was nice to have a break from work and get a chance to relax with the family.  I got a chance to spend some time with Madilyn before she moved.  That was very hard for me.

I still am working as a student ambassador for Purdue which means I help students and participate in various ways.  Recently I participated with students interviewing me.  I had three students assigned to me.  So far two have conducted their interviews.  I'm still waiting on the 3rd.  I enjoy helping the students.  They are just starting out in their undergraduate programs.

I'm working with some significant time-sensitive projects at work which are adding some stress to everyone there.  Like any project it is one thing at a time so today seemed to be helping everyone understand and focus on scope and prevent it from expanding.

I am also striving to help build some machine learning for the company.  I feel it has a huge benefit if I can get some data I can leverage.  That is the trick with machine learning.  It has to train leaning from past information so any solution you think up can only be viable if you have data it can learn from.  

I strive to live by the golden rule by treating others as I would like to be treated.  I strive to be extremely fair and often thinking for long periods to ensure I do indeed act in a manner that is fair.  I have one exception to this.  That is myself when thinking of the past.  When I look in the past, I feel I am the harshest task master.  I think of what I would say or do to myself if I could go back in time and talk to myself.  I wonder if I am alone in that feeling.  As the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20 but for me that is no excuse.  It sounds silly.  In my mind I analyze things so much that EVERY play is evaluated so in a way the fact that something played out different than what I anticipated doesn't mean I didn't think this reality could happen.  It is for this reason I feel I am so harsh with myself.  It is like playing the odds in poker only with what will transpire in life.  I have a difficult time forgiving myself.  I suppose we all do at times.

It is something I am working on.

So - I am looking forward to the snow melting and the coming of warmer weather.  It will be well received!

Until later - 

  


   

Saturday, December 2, 2023

02 December 2023 (8 years, 11 months, 13 days after The Day)

 Today I awoke to the sound of a snow blower.  It was a dreaded sound when you are all snuggly in bed.  For those not living where it snows this means there is work to be done.  I laid there in bed with my eyes still shut not wanting to arise. I eventually got up and threw on my clothes and jacket.  Put on my headphones and laced up my boots.  I threw my leaf blower on my back and got to work.  I have a commercial leaf blower that makes quick work of snow removal but there is one catch.  It has to be cold.  In the fall the snow is wet and that makes it difficult for the blower to do much other than make really good snow balls.  I was able to get a lot of the snow moved so shoveling was light.  If the snow falls but melts later in the day it is not cold enough.  If it falls and stays frozen through the day then the snow blower can move that snow all day long.  Anyway, in total it was 7K steps.  Samantha wanted to get the house cleaned so I vacuumed and mopped the kitchen, living room, and dining room floors while she was busy upstairs.  I then cleaned some of our fabric sitting chairs with one of those wet vacuum cleaner things.  Um... every time I use this thing it is both amazing and gross.  This is where we sit.  We wear regular clothing right?  yet, the color of the water is BLACK and the smell... oh my goodness... the smell!  Let's just say, it wasn't the smell of cookies.  

Afterwards, the Christmas season has everyone running errands so we were with the masses at Walmart which is not my most favorite of places but makes for some interesting people watching for sure.  It is about 8pm now and I have about 8k steps.  For me, that is a lot.  My kids are all out doing things tonight so Samantha and I are going to watch a movie and just have a calm moment once Claire is down for the night.

On a different note, I'm involved in a local IT group here in Utah and it looks like I am going to be teaching them about Machine Learning which is a big topic.  Everyone is interested in this as a subject.  Because I learned this topic at school this has made me the local expert which is very unsettling.  I mean - sure, I have taken classes on the subject matter and yes, I do understand it but probably not well enough to teach 200 people!  I suppose the comment that Stephen Covey said is true - when you teach once, you learn twice.  I'm working on how to teach it in a lab environment. 

Anyway - To all that are reading this - I hope you all have a blessed evening.  Until later - 


Friday, October 20, 2023

20 October 2023 (8 years, 10 months, 1 day after The Day)

 Well - my sincere apologies - I lost track of time and didn't realize just how long it had been since I last wrote in the blog.  So - Summary posts are always lame.  I don't feel like they give justice to all that has been going on.  I had a business trip to Houston and Arlington a while back and that was good.  I was able to work with a lot of people and get a lot done.  I came home and promptly got sick.  It is no fun being ill. I awoke a few nights after my return with a sore throat.  Boo.  

Tonight I went with my family to get pumpkins to carve on Sunday.  We picked out a lot of them.  We got over $80 worth of pumpkins for all the kiddos and friends to carve.  I never really carved pumpkins with Jan so this is a fun tradition we have now.  I found a really wide short pumpkin with a big stem.  I figured this was good for the front door.  The good thing is this pumpkin doesn't have to move any time soon.  Pumpkins are the perfect fall fruit... they are perfect for halloween as well as thanksgiving.  

I watched the Astros win game 5 on the ALCS tonight.  I love the Astros.  They are like family.  I get tickled when people have such vitriol towards them for the cheating scandal claiming their team would never cheat.  For those of you who feel I speak blasphemes against your team - for your reading pleasure.  

I am heading to bed early tonight.  This cold is just no good.  :-(


  

Monday, July 24, 2023

24 July 2023 (8 years, 7 months, 5 days after The Day)

 My mother-in-law (Jan's mom) passed away.  The flood of emotions that have followed isn't something that I thought would hit me so hard.  Jan was distant from her parents during the last few years of her life.  There were hurt feelings on both sides.  This was very unfortunate but the argument affected not only Jan but me.  It affected my relationship with her parents.  I love them dearly. Time may not heal all wounds but I believe in Christ and believe he can.  Her funeral is in a few days.  I regret not being in more contact during the last few years of her life.  Regrets seem to be a common theme at funerals.  I suppose this one is no different.  She and her husband were private people and yet I felt accepted by them.  I miss them both.  I wish I could have a conversation with both of them.  I suppose in time I will.  So - the funeral is on my mind.  I will see family I haven't seen in years.  Funerals and weddings seem to be the place for family reunions.  

Here is her obituary https://www.eckersellfuneralhome.com/obituary/jean-mcmurtrey


Until later -   

Friday, July 21, 2023

21 July 2023 (8 years, 7 months, 2 days after The Day)

 I have been in a funk the last few days.  I think that is because the rigors of school have gone and I find myself with free time but no activities.  Outside of a few car costs that have occupied my time I really just find myself thinking.  I think about everything and nothing.  I find myself staring off as I allow my mind to drift.  Jan's mom has failing health.  I talked to the kids about this so they are aware.  At times I reflect on my life with Jan and it is hard to recall.  There are so many things I have forgotten.  My kids have forgotten too.  It is very sad.  At times I close my eyes to reflect upon that time.  I imagine myself sitting on the couch and hearing what life would be like.  The clattering of the AC filter as the AC turned on/off.  The sound of the dishwasher, the sounds of small kids, the sound of some cartoon on the TV, etc.  I think about how many things I took for granted.  If Jan were sitting by me right now I wonder what I would say.  I feel like I need a reintroduction.  I find myself thinking so long and hard on things that I can be silent for hours.  Sometimes Samantha asks me a question or I strive to share some of my thoughts and just getting my thoughts together seems like a lengthy process.  Samantha wants me to just talk but I find myself opening and shutting my mouth as if words were queued up but never launched.  What has really been on my mind is my kids.  I wonder if I have been a good enough parent to help them be functioning adults.  I know they have some maturing to do but it is hard.  It is hard especially when your children make decisions that you don't agree with.  For me it makes me question what I did and if I could go back in time what would I change.

So - I find myself thinking.


Years ago, Jan made me some stationary with this statue's silhouette.  I find myself pondering things so often.  One thing I know.  I'm tired.  I feel like I hit my 40's and my body decided to fall apart.  Restless Leg Syndrome is something I am battling.  It is horrible.  I need to get a prescription.  Last night my legs kept me awake for about 2 hours.  

Well - Samantha and I are waiting on the results from Claire's EEG.  No news yet.  I'm frustrated with our Neurologist.  The guy just seems to treat neurological disorders as commonplace.  Hope to hear something soon.

Until later - 


Monday, July 10, 2023

10 July 2023 (8 years, 6 months, 21 days after The Day)

 I've been a bit distant mentally over the last few days.  You know when you just think on things and then realize it has been a while since you have talked to people?  Well - if you haven't had that experience, that is what happens when I get in a zone of thinking.  I'm sure I did a lot of that when Jan died.  So - there is a lot of the same stuff.  All the kids are working a lot (with obvious exception to the youngest two) but the others are constantly working and gone.

My car is in the shop for a catalytic converter.  They had to order one.  It is there at the shop waiting on the part to arrive.  This makes for some juggling of vehicles.


I'm mentally spent.  Until later - 



 

Wednesday, July 5, 2023

05 July 2023 (8 years, 6 months, 16 days after The Day)

 So today someone ran into Madilyn's vehicle and tore off the bumper.  Luckily we got the offending parties insurance info but suffice it to say it was a bit frustrating.  This was Madilyn's first day working in a clinic.  She absolutely loved it.  I have to think there is a bit of her Grandma (my mom) and Grandpa (Jan's dad) in there because they both loved medicine and worked in it as a profession.  When Madilyn started describing some of the injuries people were dealing with I was like - OK, I'm done listening.  

Yesterday we had a good 4th.  It was a nice break from work and I was able to serve some BBQ to family here.  About 35 ate and the ribs were gone first, then brisket, then pulled pork, then chicken.  We left with only a bit of pulled pork and chicken that wasn't eaten.  That always makes me feel good when a crowd eats and is filled and happy.  I did have someone years ago ask for a fork.  I was and still am confused by this.  It is like they have never eaten BBQ.  My brisket doesn't require a fork.

I'm helping Emma work out some calculation of hours worked.  She has a pay discrepancy that appears on the surface that will require a sit-down discussion with someone.

I just rode 11 miles prior to writing this entry.  It was good to get outside and have a moment on my bike.  I got an email today that the city will be having motorcycle police on the trails to enforce bicycle laws.  I am so happy for this.  I realize it is an irritant to stop your bicycle when you cross a road but personally I fear killing bicyclists as they blow through intersections in packs.  I cannot stop my car on a dime!

Oh - and here is another picture of Monroe.  She is so cute!