18 Dec 2024 (9 years, 11 months, 28 days after The Day)

 Well - the doctor visit was interesting.  He is a nice chap but all business.  He dove in and asked if I was still taking the medication.  I told him I wasn't.  I told him that he gave me so many pills and I took them.  After some discussion I began to understand that these pills are unfortunately not fast acting.  I will be on this medical journey for a few years.  So - he upped the dosage and now I get to experience the side effects again and get back on track.  I talked to him about my feet and hands.  He said "It is just swelling".  

I think I must have looked at him like he was on drugs because he said "I don't disagree that you believe it is happening" and at that point I just felt completely unheard.  He said the labs don't point to that happening.  So - I suppose I am back to scratching my head on why my head, hands, and feet are growing.  In a way I felt like people who saw a UFO and then some government official shows up and says what you saw was swamp gas reflecting off of Venus.  I feel I am a completely rational human and know how to use a ruler.  So - for now I am just keeping track of how much these are growing.

The job hunt is more of a marathon race.  I find myself hunting through job listings and finding ones that match my skills.  Then prepping my resume and cover letter to match that job.  I don't apply to many with this tactic but I do believe what I submit is good.  As the old saying goes - quality over quantity.

My old job's health benefits stopped and where Cobra was supposed to start it never did.  So - I have been paying out of pocket for things.  Health insurance costs coupled with the actual doctor bill is just nuts.  I do believe here in the USA, there is a need to address this situation.  I don't know what is right, but I do know that when I walk into a restaurant they have a menu with prices.  I don't eat at a burger joint and then get a surprise bill for 20K.  

Yesterday some carolers came by singing Christmas songs.  It was nice.  Then, at the end, they presented us with a small Christmas tree with cash on it.  I haven't really told many people in person so it is kind of a mystery to us who this is from.  We didn't recognize the carolers but in all honesty the cash is going to make Christmas for our kiddos and pay some of our medical bills.  I know it sounds silly when I say "I haven't really told many people" because I realize I am posting this on a blog that is available to all; however, I am, to many of you, a stranger.  I may be someone you just read about and see pictures of.  Maybe you know me.  I don't know.  When I look at the stats from this blog it looks like most of my viewership is outside the US so it is a bit confusing to me.  At the beginning of the blog I had a crazy following but as the years have marched on it seems there is a faithful small group that is interested in what I write.  All I know is the cash I got was completely unexpected and totally caught me off guard.  I have a hard time accepting help.  I think most people do.  For me, I just wept.  I felt completely overwhelmed with gratitude towards whomever did this.  For me it allowed me to realize how much the help I have given others over the years is appreciated and that I should do more.  As I approach this rough time of year for me - I do hope everyone out there has a wonderful Christmas holiday season.

#gratitude

11 Dec 2024 (9 years, 11 months, 21 days after The Day)

 I have been putting off this entry but it seems the longer I do the more that things weigh on my mind.  I have things to share and things that just have eaten at me.  Where to begin.  This will be both a good/bad entry as it matches life.  

Earlier this year I was really weak.  I was not able to just walk around much and my stamina on daily activities seemed to be shrinking.  I made an appointment with a doctor and they did a blood test.  That led to another blood test.  That led to an MRI which led to the diagnosis of a pituitary adenoma or a noncancerous (benign) tumor that was on my pituitary gland that was at the base of my brain.  Well - nearly instantly I became an expert by researching everything about these tumors and how they affect your body.  I had already been experiencing some of the side effects and didn't realize it.  My hands and feet along with my skull were growing.  I already feel like a lollypop but suffice it to say this tumor is now making me really have "cranius gigantis" as a comedian once said in his bit about his kids having big heads.  So - I was prescribed a medication to treat it.  It was a very small pill.  It was the size of an allergy pill.  I was to break it in half and take 1/2 the pill 2x a week.  It had some wicked side effects.  I was given about 8 pills giving me about 8 weeks on this medication.  I finished it and I now have some energy back.  My feet; however, are still growing.  I now wear a size 14.  I thought buying 13's were hard but buying 14's are a joke.  I feel bad for those that wear larger sizes.  I went to a New Balance store (yes, I know) and they had a total of 4 pairs of shoes for me to pick from.  Normal looking $200, Green and orange suede $100, bright orange/white running ones $120, and solid white $85.  So - I walked out of there with solid white shoes and I officially look like an old man.  They fit and for the first time in a long time my feet didn't hurt. For that, I was very thankful.  When my kids saw them they got a laugh and patted me on my back.  I think I am officially an old man with these shoes.  Since I was mowing lawns with Alex I needed some with some grip more than the ones I just bought so I went on eBay and purchased some black/navy blue ones that were barely used for $50 that had some traction and that is what I generally wear now.  My follow-up appointment with the doctor is next week.

We were disappointed with the neurologist Claire was seeing so we went to another one and boy am I glad we switched.  This guy is so transparent.  Through all the testing she has had in the past coupled with recent tests she was given somewhat of a diagnosis of ESES which is a rare form of epilepsy.  The good news is she will likely grow out of this but the bad news is she will struggle a bit until she does.  I work with her in the mornings to remember things by playing games with her and it is amazing to me that she can know something for a while (like weeks) then the next day it is like she never saw it.  Her memory is a challenge and I applaud Claire for being so persistent at wanting to learn.  I'm glad she thinks these silly games are fun since they are helping her learn.

Dylan has officially moved out and I am so proud of him to make these steps.  They are scary when you are doing them for the first time.  He moved only a few blocks from Alex which is good that they can be so close.  I am hoping they can hang out some.  

Madilyn decided to move back home.  I was planning my trip to be in Houston for an IT conference when I got the call that she made this decision.  I flew down early to be with her.  After the conference finished I packed her car and Madilyn and I traveled with her dog home.  It was an awesome memory.

We got a chance to stop by and see Jan's grave and see our old home.  It was really a good trip.  We made it in 2 days.  Madilyn got settled and went on the job hunt.  She just got three offers today so she is able to get things moving.  I am so happy for her.

Ammon is doing well.  He has 3 parakeets now.  He can hold them without issue and they really look at him as "dad" or something.  It is cute.  

Last Friday I was let go from my job of 18 years.  It was so incredibly tough.  I have had to execute my own reductions over time and they are not fun.  I realize the company has gotten so much smaller than it was in years past so logically I can get there but I looked at the company as family and that is where it hurts.

As I reflect on job loss I am thrust back into looking at jobs and trying to find one that has the requirements for the skills I do.  It is sad how much value I placed on the worth of myself through the eyes of this company.  It is like by their saying "we have to let you go" it is them saying "we have no use for you" or "you have no worth to us".  I interpret this as "I have no worth" which is silly.  I look at all the other people like me looking for jobs and wonder what shot I have.  Sure, I am good at what I do once I get in the door but getting there is the challenge.  And what a time of year to have this occur!  Merry Christmas!  This may be a blessing in disguise as some senior IT positions may be budgeted to be replaced in the beginning of the next year.  All I know is I have begun the process of honing my resume, writing cover letters, and applying to positions.   I don't know how long it will take for something to manifest but I pray it isn't too long.

It is interesting how God works.  Once you are the least bit comfortable he allows you to stretch and make yourself more than you are today.  Well - that is it for today.