So obviously there is a trend of me writing more as the anniversary of that horrible event approaches. I don't know why that is but maybe it is more on my mind during that time of year. I find myself in awe that my life seems to comprise 3 major times.
- Life before I got married
- Life with Jan
- Life with Samantha
I seem to dwell on these three as they are so very different to me. I feel I changed during every transition and became a little different. Better for sure, but different. My tastes change. I heard a comedian's bit once on how stuff from before you get married ends up first in the house when you get married, then in the garage, and then in the trash. I can relate to that as I have adopted a style similar to Jan and then adopted again to a style similar to Samantha.
These moments in my life have me reflect more on my children as well. Each child will pass a moment in time when they will have lived with each mother an equal amount of time. Along with that threshold, I reflect on how old Claire is now and remember that this is about how old Ammon was when Jan passed. Sometimes I think life is so unfair. I also ponder the question - if I could go back in time and change anything - would I? The answer is no. I think if I went back in time I would appreciate things more; however, all the good and bad in my life has helped me be better. It has helped me to appreciate people more. To understand and sympathize with others better. It has helped me to love my children and wife (both Samantha and Jan) more than I think I could have if the events didn't unfold. Life is funny that way. I'm not saying I'm some kind of saint. I have made my fair share of dumb decisions that have affected both me and others. I would love to undo pain I have caused others, especially my children. Sometimes as a parent I think we just want peace and quiet more than we want happiness in our children. At least - I do. I think back on my parents. My mom is about as close to a saint as one can get on this planet. Seriously. I'm not saying she is perfect but she really does strive to do the right thing always even when the right thing is hard to do. I always admire that about her. My father had some challenges in his life. I have been critical of him because of his life choices but as I get older and see how I act, I find myself acting sometimes like he did towards me and my sisters as kids. I find myself acting that way towards my own children. It is one of the things I have strived to change about myself. It is hard for me to laugh at myself and I find that very similar to my father. While I find that we are a mix of our parents positive and negative traits I think each of us can figure out how to be our own self. Deep thoughts I suppose.
Today is another day. All of the kids are doing things leaving me a moment of peace. I don't normally sleep a long time so as much as I would love to take a nap, I don't think that is happening. I got inspired at work to develop a system where the systems do self-reporting enabling analytics to be real-time. Generally when I get inspired like this is consumes all my thinking and attention to identify the problem at hand. I really like the phrase "50% of any solution is defining the problem.". This problem definition has helped me realize that computer systems and the human body are so very similar. Nerves, for example, are a feedback loop to your brain on how actions are received. In layman's terms I created a nerve feedback loop at work for something that until this time was without feeling. It will open the doors to a lot of other tools to enable the systems to be self-guiding where they require less hand-holding.
Well - until later.
