29 July 2018 (3 years, 7 months, 10 days after The Day)

Today was just a normal day in many ways.  There was nothing out of the normal.  We woke up, ate breakfast, went to church, came home, and spent time together as a family.  I have noticed and even written in past blog entries that I am invigorated by writing and have committed to do this more often.  I suppose as I reflect on this I think my "brain dump" moments do have quite a healing effect upon me.  I was reflecting on Jan the other day.  As I reflected I realized that I had forgotten a lot.  I don't know why and I was severely troubled by this.  I have worked with my kiddos as they struggle to remember even the little things but for me to forget is really troublesome.  I knew Jan for many years before we were married and we were married for 15.  I wonder how someone can forget things. I had a couple of take-aways from this mental exercise.

1. There was a comment made by someone (I can't remember who- and the irony of that statement in relation to the others below is sad but a little comical) that when someone dies the stories they tell die with them.  The stories that they would share about you or about them or about situations in life - die. 
2. I realize that I am forgetting things.  There are sad stories with someone who's parent suffers from Alzheimer's disease where they forget their own children and are quite content living in a state of regressed memories.  I know that I have forgotten things and I think that is what is so unsettling.  I am not content.  I just can't remember certain things about Jan and it worried me to the point where I spoke with my mom and wife about it.  Alzheimer's disease is not common in my family but this event sure had me researching if it was and helping me to self-diagnose what I could be experiencing!

So - what does this mean?  Who knows.  I know that I know.  That is all I know.  On one hand I can recall like yesterday interacting with Jan and doing normal life routines.  On the other hand it seems like a dream.  I suppose that is what has me sad.

I reluctantly went to the gym the other day when I was feeling blue.  I was impressed with how quickly I rebounded from these sad feelings.  I don't enjoy the gym.  I have lost weight and am living healthier but I don't look at the gym as a "happy place".  So, for me to experience the immediate change in my mood after going there was quite profound.  I learned I have a resource when I feel this way.

Well - that is it for now.