Sometimes I dream. It is not often or perhaps better stated - I don't always remember my dreams. I know I have them but for some reason when I wake up if I don't immediately write down the dream I really forget it quickly. So anyway - Since Jan's death I have had only a handful of dreams with her in them. Generally speaking she just acts normal like nothing happened and I am the weirdo flipping out that she is alive. Anyway - all of my dreams so far with her are like that. I always awake feeling odd like it is weird that I miss her or something. It is hard to put into words. Apparently my kids have also had dreams from time to time. Sometimes they are good... sometimes not. One of my kids is worried that I will die. I think all my kids felt this way initially after Jan's death but since that time we have settled into a new life. It is just a little unsettling when my kids are upset. I don't know what it is but seeing my kids in pain is much more painful than me in pain. I still remember Ammon at the funeral just standing amongst a mob of people in the viewing room where Jan was... he was just standing there in the center of the room looking at Jan's closed casket. Alone. I have so many thoughts and feelings when I see my kids experiencing pain that they shouldn't experience at that age. At least... in my opinion. I wish I could take their pain away.
My life when Jan was alive seems a blur. I still have anger and still have sadness. I am happy again. Samantha and I have a different kind of relationship which I attribute to two things - 1.) we are older so we kind of skipped to the end like we have been married for 20 years and 2.) we both experienced losing a spouse so we both strive to put first things first with our marriage. It is so easy to stop being husband and wife and just exist as mom and dad. That happened between Samantha and her late husband and me and Jan probably more than we want to admit. Having a weekly date night has helped us. Samantha found a saying on social media that said "raising kids is like being pecked to death by chickens"... sometimes it feels that way. With one kid in college and 6 at the house we thank God that we have some sanity in being able to manage all that is going on. Scouts, church activities, service projects, kids working, school activities, cleaning the house, go go go... honestly nobody has to rock me or Samantha to sleep. And... little miss priss keeps us smiling the entire time.
