We took our first vacation as a family. Two cars and 4 hrs of driving (one way) made for an interesting bit of travel. We went to Samantha's late husband's family reunion. Their family had rented out a 10K sq/ft home and with 30 people attending the house was full. I will admit - it was a bit awkward but after a few days I was able to get to know everyone. It was a positive time. My kids had fun with the other kids there and the activities we engaged in kept us all busy. When we arrived back home I think we all need a vacation from our vacation. One of our kids was battling food poisoning too so we have had an action-packed time from the moment we landed back home.
I had an experience at church today when Emma was set apart for a church calling - in a way I felt like Jan was there. It was a sweet and tender moment. I have thought back on the times in my life that changed me... my grandfather's life... my father and mother's life decisions... my own decisions... my father's death... my best friend's death... Claire's birth and Jan's death... all have shaped me to who I am. I believe all events can have us being pessimistic or optimistic. I think my decision to look at these events in a positive light has helped my healing. I think it is amazing that Samantha and me merging our families together has been so successful. I am grateful for her and for the role she has stepped into. Her taking on four additional children speaks volumes.
I know I have been a bit sporadic on these blog updates.. I suppose I just forget. Life moves fast and my good intentions seem to get sidelined.
I had an opportunity to visit Jan's grave a few weeks ago when I was in town. I don't know why but I just fell apart there. It was a good moment to feel. I had that moment and was able to move forward feeling better about the future. It sounds weird, I know... I know I am always a widower but I refuse to make that my identity. My kids deserve a mom. They deserve to see me happy and frankly... I deserve to be happy. That was a hard decision to get to. I know I have stated that before but just getting there has made all the difference. I know these blessings are not accidents. I just want to be an active participant in my life events and own my decisions. This may sound odd if you have not lost a spouse but for me I had to figure out who I was without my spouse. I think we all identify with our spouse over years and become one. It is very foreign to think of yourself as separate from them and that is what I had to do. It was a rough exercise but one with a very positive outcome.
