30 Jul 2016 (1 yr 225 days after The Day)

I have reflected much on why certain people do what they do after a spell of grief in their life.  Previous to Jan's death I thought on how people who remarried or people who moved or people who in some way changed their life were just acting opposite of who they really were.  I thought perhaps in their eyes it was a good thing but in mine it wasn't.  Living through tough times does make your eyes shine the brighter. I suppose it is because you can now appreciate things more than before.  I never realized that moving 1200 miles for me would give me a place to start fresh.  How often do you go about your day and take for granted all the things in your life that remind you of your loved ones?  For me, it was a normal occurrence.  It wasn't until Jan's death that I realized all that reminded me of her.  It was both a blessing and a curse.  I could drive down the road and remember an experience at a restaurant when Jan and I went to eat.  I could go shopping at the grocery store and recall memories of going down a list of items she wanted me to buy.  Memories made me smile... they also made me cry.  So - relocating has enabled me to start fresh.  It has given me the ability to look at things anew as nothing is familiar.  In a way it is like turning a page in my life.  I am able to move forward.  

Life is a little different here as well as a little the same.  I am blessed with a wife that loves me and the kids.  She and I strive to serve each other and that I believe is a secret for a happy marriage.  We decided to purchase a home here.  We were going to build one but that just didn't work out.  We should close on our new home in the next few weeks.  Everyone in our home is looking forward to more space.  Samantha and I are also looking forward to our own bathroom.  Sharing it with everyone in the home is a challenge.   We also are down to one at the moment.  Samantha and I went to Alaska for a vacation.  I had some points accumulated from business trips overseas and cashed them in on tickets to Alaska.  It was always on our bucket list.

We spent time with Tom and Collette who live there now.  It was so good to see them again.  In a way it was like taking a step into my old life.  (I didn't get a pic with us all when we were there... bummed about that but perhaps a good reason to visit again)  Tom played the piano and it just took me back.  It was very healing for me.  We got to experience the land of the midnight sun.  It was weird to see the sun up so late /early in the day.  When we returned home that night we had a water pipe bust in the basement which put about 3 inches of water in the bathroom and about an inch in the neighboring room.  We ended up opening up the wall and our once assembled bathroom is now a construction zone.  We got the pipe fixed and the water removed.  We are waiting on bids for fixing everything and amidst this everyone is using the upstairs bathroom.  Yes... it is packed.

Claire continues to call me "mom".  It is both frustrating and funny.  I correct her constantly but she just looks at me and says "mom" and holds my finger to take me places in the house.  She is a joy.    It is a blessing that I have these kids to remind me of Jan and also to take this journey with me.  I believe Claire will be a joining link between our families.  She loves Samantha and it is so sweet to see her give hugs to Samantha around the neck when she rarely hugs anyone around the neck.  Below is a pic of her drawing.  She is content with just a pad of paper and a crayon.

 

I am humbled to be a father to older children.  I think that is the challenge of any step-parent.  How do you be a parent and build relationships of trust when the child is old enough to look like an adult but act like a child?  I am thankful to be in their lives.  I know they may not have a super-close relationship with me since they are older but I am thankful to be in their lives... to be a father to them that I didn't have.  I struggle being "soft" in my instructions.  I'm sure that doesn't help bonding of new relationships.  Samantha helps me to improve in that area.  She really does help me to be a better me.  I am thankful for that.

Well - I will make a habit of writing more.  I have found that when I do it is healing for me.  Until later -